The Top 9 Avoidable National Tragedies, Had Every Civilian Been Carrying a Gun
Oct19

The Top 9 Avoidable National Tragedies, Had Every Civilian Been Carrying a Gun

1. Abraham Lincoln’s Assassination Theatergoer 1: John Wilkes Booth is making his way toward the president’s box with the intent to yell something in Latin! Theatergoer 2: Not on my watch.   2. Wall Street Crash of 1929 Stockbroker 1: My gun brings me such unbridled confidence, I believe I’ll invest another hundred thousand in the market. Stockbroker 2: Let’s all funnel more money into the already-stable...

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Let’s Talk About Loot Boxes
Oct19

Let’s Talk About Loot Boxes

In what is surely genuinely shocking news, the gaming community is pissed off about something. Fortunately, this time the anger isn’t over girls getting their cooties all over games or because games have the gall to cast very fine people as the bad guys. Now the outrage is over the prevalence of loot boxes in games, and fear of the industry adopting a play-to-win mentality. Loot boxes vary slightly from game to game, but the basic...

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A Defense, of Sorts, for Me Setting Your House on Fire
Oct18

A Defense, of Sorts, for Me Setting Your House on Fire

Of all the dismaying details from yesterday when I set your house on fire, none are more disturbing than this: you still can’t get over it. Come on. You’re acting like it happened yesterday, and it did happen yesterday, but that was almost 24 hours ago. News moves fast in 2017! We were eating dinner at your place and I said, “Hey, I bet I could light your whole house on fire with this one Cozy Sweater-scented Yankee candle.” You said...

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9 Conversation Starters for When You’re Forced to Chat With the 99%
Oct17

9 Conversation Starters for When You’re Forced to Chat With the 99%

Here you are again, at a complete loss for words. Perhaps you accidentally made eye contact with your rag-clad caddy. Or maybe you have to woo a jury of your peers’ subordinates while on trial for insider trading. Even for a down-to-earth tycoon like you, making relatable conversation can be a challenge when you have so little in common with commoners. But struggle no more! These relationship-building conversation starters will...

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How You Found Robot Butt: September 2017 Edition
Oct16

How You Found Robot Butt: September 2017 Edition

In support of man’s ongoing quest for knowledge, I present to you a small, unedited list of the search terms used to find Robot Butt in September: the property brothers are assholes bill clinton sex dungeon spider bite on balls steaming turd get the fuck out of my room brother alt right robot circus disasters kim jong un snapchat rabbits explained types of male nipples friends episode brother and sister too close hottest...

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Honey, I’m Sorry I Didn’t Call Before My Arm Was Replaced With a Laser-Guided Proton Ray
Oct16

Honey, I’m Sorry I Didn’t Call Before My Arm Was Replaced With a Laser-Guided Proton Ray

I’m sorry, honey. I screwed up. I should have told you I would be home late. I should have told you I was going drinking with the guys. Most of all, I should have told you I was having my arm replaced with a laser-guided proton ray. That’s on me. Please know that when the night started it wasn’t my intention to have my arm replaced with a laser-guided proton ray. I was just supposed to get a quick beer with Tom and Mitch...

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