‘Tis the Season! Our Fruitcake Is Back With Less Pig Dick
Dec11

‘Tis the Season! Our Fruitcake Is Back With Less Pig Dick

The holiday season is upon us, and we at Dillard & Humm Fruitcake Factory are bringing more of the same the yuletide cheer with less pig dick this holiday season. So aside from wondering, “Why is there pig dick in this to begin with?” or “I’d rather have no pig dick in this,” we know what you’re thinking: What’s next for Dillard & Humm Fruitcake Factory’s delicious fruitcakes?...

Read More
Crafty DIY Gift Ideas I’ve Tried So You Don’t Have To
Dec11

Crafty DIY Gift Ideas I’ve Tried So You Don’t Have To

1. Plarn Anything Save those shopping bags! Thousands of them. Because that’s how many you’re going to need to make that new rug/bag/potholder. Keep in mind that plastic melts, or you’ll end up scraping stubborn bits of plastic off the bottom of your hot coffee mug, or that pot you absentmindedly used the – uh – pot holder for. Once you have enough bags to warrant a Hoarders-style intervention, cut the bags into strips,...

Read More
Puerto Rican Boy With Delusional Wish List Gets Reply From Santa
Dec11

Puerto Rican Boy With Delusional Wish List Gets Reply From Santa

Dear Jesús: Thank you for your letter. Due to hurricane-related postal delays, this reply may not reach you until January. At which point, your wish list will be A Three King’s Day problem, not mine. You wrote that you are in first grade and that you’ve had good grades all year long. Anybody can maintain good grades when their school is closed for over two months and counting. So don’t brag too much. Even if I let that...

Read More
10 Secret Orders McDonald’s Could Use to Crush In-N-Out Burger
Dec09

10 Secret Orders McDonald’s Could Use to Crush In-N-Out Burger

1. Canadian Milk Style: Coke in a paper bag 2. Easy on the Pickles: 5,000 pickles, no bread 3. Fries NBA: Fries that are seven feet tall 4. Tight-Belted: Two muffin tops with anything you order 5. Side of Lactose: Cheese McFlurry 6. Extra Parts: Happy Meal with six toys, no food 7. Filet-o-Float: Filet-o-Fish, floating in a Coke 8. Apple Pi Pie: 3.14 apple pies 9. Warhol’s Soup: Cup full of ketchup (any size) 10. Cheese Cake: Tray of...

Read More
Six Foolproof Ways to Tell If Your Beautiful Wife Is Actually Just a Cactus
Dec08

Six Foolproof Ways to Tell If Your Beautiful Wife Is Actually Just a Cactus

1. She never makes any effort to talk to your friends because she spends all day sitting around the house using the stored water in her succulent stems to undergo photosynthesis: It’s weird, you know? It’s like every time your friends are around, the only thing she wants to do is sit by on the windowsill and gently lean towards the direction of the sun. She just lounges around all day taking in carbon dioxide, water, and sunlight,...

Read More
Increasingly Ominous Voicemails Left for Senators in 2017
Dec06

Increasingly Ominous Voicemails Left for Senators in 2017

1. “Have fun at the inauguration today!” 2. [Just the song “Hammer Smashed Face,” played slightly sped up because of a YouTube copyright battle with Cannibal Corpse]. 3. “Can you let Senator Sasse know that I hope a bird poops on him right before his next family photo for his Christmas cards? Also, I hope his cat scratches him in the face. And I want that cute dog, which he doesn’t deserve, to pee on him – I...

Read More
Page 1 of 14812345...102030...Last »