Rapper Eve Pretty Goddamn Tired of ‘Merry Christmas, Eve!’ Jokes
Dec16

Rapper Eve Pretty Goddamn Tired of ‘Merry Christmas, Eve!’ Jokes

NEW YORK CITY – In what is a joyous time for billions of people around the world, Grammy-winning rapper Eve Jeffers-Cooper (better known as Eve) is reportedly getting pretty fucking tired of people thinking they’re clever for connecting her name with December 24th, also known as Christmas Eve. “It was so great as a kid,” said Eve, who also starred in all three Barbershop films. “It was the coolest thing to have a fun name like...

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Damn It: They Printed the Plot to ‘The Last Jedi’ on My Ticket
Dec15

Damn It: They Printed the Plot to ‘The Last Jedi’ on My Ticket

I made every effort to avoid any and all spoilers to Star Wars: The Last Jedi. I haven’t watched a trailer since April. I stopped going to my favorite movie blogs earlier this summer. And I’ve been swiftly unfriending anyone who posts anything even remotely related to outer space. Yet there I was, reading the entire plot on my ticket stub. Who lives. Who dies. What color lightsabers they use. In spite of my best efforts, I had...

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Hi, I’m a Magical Snowman Who Just Came to Life and Is Asking You About Your Relationship Status
Dec15

Hi, I’m a Magical Snowman Who Just Came to Life and Is Asking You About Your Relationship Status

Hey there. I appear to be a talking snowman, and I just wanted to thank you for putting this magical top hat on my head and bringing me to life. Very nice of you. Now that I’m here, I’d like to get down to business and immediately start asking you whether or not you’re married. Seems like a totally not insane thing to do. So, are you married? Are you? Okay, maybe it is a little strange that I’m asking you this. After all,...

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With Trump’s New Santa Clause, Terms and Conditions May Apply
Dec15

With Trump’s New Santa Clause, Terms and Conditions May Apply

With the holiday season barreling upon us like a stampede of Black Friday shoppers hurtling each other for a $7 doorbuster, it’s been particularly difficult keeping up with the constant insanity that is this administration. It has been SO crazy, in fact, that each one of these is a link to a different crazy story. I could easily hyperlink this entire piece, word for word, but searching for those twenty was so anxiety-inducingly easy,...

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Battles in the War on Christmas I Won While Running Errands
Dec14

Battles in the War on Christmas I Won While Running Errands

The Walgreen’s War The cashier initially refused to print CHRISTmas on my card order. I prayed for her. For thirty minutes. She gave in. The fifteen people in line behind me all cheered my victory. The Battle of Bergdorf’s The bra fitter waited on her Jewish friends first. I reminded her my strapless bra needs are for a Christmas party. Who needs a strapless bra for a Hanukkah party? The answer: no one. The Santa Standoff...

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100 Words or Less: On My Xenomorph/’Frozen’ Slashfic Disney Just Made Canon
Dec14

100 Words or Less: On My Xenomorph/’Frozen’ Slashfic Disney Just Made Canon

Boy, Bob Iger, all I can say is, “Thank you!” Your assistant stated in the deposition all letters not shredded became part of the evidence cache, but you clearly read every one! Now my little Olaf-eggs and icehuggers are officially part of the Disney family, and soon Elsa the Snow Queen Alien will be greeting guests alongside Mickey! I knew I’d get through to you. But one favor – in the film adaptation, don’t tone down the...

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