9 Conversation Starters for When You’re Forced to Chat With the 99%
Oct17

9 Conversation Starters for When You’re Forced to Chat With the 99%

Here you are again, at a complete loss for words. Perhaps you accidentally made eye contact with your rag-clad caddy. Or maybe you have to woo a jury of your peers’ subordinates while on trial for insider trading. Even for a down-to-earth tycoon like you, making relatable conversation can be a challenge when you have so little in common with commoners. But struggle no more! These relationship-building conversation starters will...

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How You Found Robot Butt: September 2017 Edition
Oct16

How You Found Robot Butt: September 2017 Edition

In support of man’s ongoing quest for knowledge, I present to you a small, unedited list of the search terms used to find Robot Butt in September: the property brothers are assholes bill clinton sex dungeon spider bite on balls steaming turd get the fuck out of my room brother alt right robot circus disasters kim jong un snapchat rabbits explained types of male nipples friends episode brother and sister too close hottest...

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Honey, I’m Sorry I Didn’t Call Before My Arm Was Replaced With a Laser-Guided Proton Ray
Oct16

Honey, I’m Sorry I Didn’t Call Before My Arm Was Replaced With a Laser-Guided Proton Ray

I’m sorry, honey. I screwed up. I should have told you I would be home late. I should have told you I was going drinking with the guys. Most of all, I should have told you I was having my arm replaced with a laser-guided proton ray. That’s on me. Please know that when the night started it wasn’t my intention to have my arm replaced with a laser-guided proton ray. I was just supposed to get a quick beer with Tom and Mitch...

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The Seven Neighbors Mister Rogers Never Imagined
Oct13

The Seven Neighbors Mister Rogers Never Imagined

Sonny Gardener: A competitive landscaper who thinks nothing of running the electric hedge trimmer at dawn on a Sunday to carve his shrubs into presidential head topiaries. He is also known to sever his foliage down to the root after listening to the latest alternative facts on Fox News. Sam Peterson: His property is the place where rusty carcasses of old cars and moldy freezers go to die in grass that hasn’t seen a mower since...

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Trump Now Up to Two Gallons of Ice Cream With Dinner
Oct13

Trump Now Up to Two Gallons of Ice Cream With Dinner

WASHINGTON – Citing the mounting stress of the job and his increasingly insatiable sweet tooth, White House aides have confirmed that President Trump has begun consuming an average of two gallons of ice cream per night with dinner. “It started out as a manageable two scoops of ice cream while everyone else got one,” said one senior administration official. “But with each passing day, that amount has grown....

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Exclusive: Recordings From Inside the Trump White House
Oct12

Exclusive: Recordings From Inside the Trump White House

Recently, reports started circulating that White House staffers are now afraid their colleagues might be wearing wires to record conversations and turn them into the Robert Mueller investigation. The bad news for the White House staff is they’re right. But their bad news is your good news, as Robot Butt has gained access to some of these recordings to provide you with insights into the Trump White House: Attorney General Jeff...

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