Working Actor Gives Up on Dream of Playing Spider-Man
Jun22

Working Actor Gives Up on Dream of Playing Spider-Man

LOS ANGELES – Longtime working actor Daniel Day-Lewis announced his retirement from the industry this week, citing his disappointment in never landing his dream role of the superhero Spider-Man. “I worked my entire career to get that call,” Day-Lewis said. “I was pretty much just biding my time in prestige pictures, preparing for the role I know I was born to play.” Known for his devotion to method...

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11 Foolproof Home Remedies (Pending FDA Approval) to Prevent Yourself From Getting Sick
Jun21

11 Foolproof Home Remedies (Pending FDA Approval) to Prevent Yourself From Getting Sick

Up until three years ago, I was doomed to a life of chicken soup, bed-ridden Fresh Prince of Bel Air episodes, and infuriating my boss for every sick day I took. Now I’m a health guru for MAJOR big-name celebrities (I’d tell who you they were but I signed an NDA). Follow my tips below to a better, healthier and more germ-free YOU. 1. Take one serving daily of vitamin A, vitamin B, vitamin C, vitamin D, vitamin E, vitamin F, vitamin G,...

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Let’s Agree ‘Snowflake’ Has Lost All Meaning as an Insult and Move the Fuck On
Jun21

Let’s Agree ‘Snowflake’ Has Lost All Meaning as an Insult and Move the Fuck On

Sometimes the Internet gives you a gift that you just do not know how to repay. That happened last week when during my routine perusing I came across a fantastic story where people got offended by a Spaceballs joke. In 2017! Here’s a quick recap. Adam Goldberg, creator of the show The Goldbergs, attempted to make a joke using a picture of a broken Dark Helmet figure and criticized the “broken” president and lamented how disappointed...

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10 Ways That Cattle Are Like Cheating Husbands
Jun19

10 Ways That Cattle Are Like Cheating Husbands

1. They can drink too much 2. They can knock you off your feet 3. They’re horny 4. You can claim them on your taxes 5. You can use their dismembered feet as dog toys 6. They max out the credit cards 7. If they get too ornery you can fatten them up and slaughter them for extra protein 8. You can castrate them if you don’t want them to get too big 9. You can make a purse from their skin 10. They don’t like it when you use a hot...

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Nice Nolan Ya, Episode 4: ‘Batman Begins’
Jun16

Nice Nolan Ya, Episode 4: ‘Batman Begins’

In 2005, Christopher Nolan completed his transformation into a director of big-budget spectaculars with Batman Begins. Ali, Alex and Gautham (no relation to the city) talk about the gritty realism and psychological detail it takes to envision a man trained by Himalayan ninja assassins to dress up like a bat and punch crime in the face. Is there any humor to be had here, or is the movie as rough and grim as Christian Bale’s...

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Apartment Infested With Bees? Show Your Landlord You’re Still Totally Reasonable About It
Jun16

Apartment Infested With Bees? Show Your Landlord You’re Still Totally Reasonable About It

Your apartment’s infested with bees again but you don’t want to bother your landlord, huh? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered with these email sign-offs that show you’re still totally reasonable about the whole thing: 1. I promise I’m not usually this high-maintenance, I just have a weird thing about active bee colonies! LOL! 2. It’s actually great that honeybees are coming back. Your emergency number...

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