Author: Tyler Peterson

This pandemic is putting us all through some tough stuff, folks. I, like many people, have been furloughed from my job and now have to stay inside with nothing to do and no one to talk to. The boredom, isolation, and hopelessness can be psychologically devastating. But there’s no reason for despair! A lot of us have found a sort of silver lining in the opportunity to nurture new hobbies, creative outlets, and other interests. Take me, for example. Back in mid-March, when it became evident that I wasn’t going back to work for a while, I decided I was going…

We here at the Moreland Police Department are committed to the physical and spiritual wellbeing of our law enforcement officers, statistically the most discriminated against group in America. In this dangerous age of riots, pandemics, and murder hornets, we need to be sure that our town’s people and institutions are standing behind our brave police. We regret to inform our fellow Morelanders that the Scoops & Smiles ice cream parlor on Denton Boulevard is not living up to this obligation. The ice cream treats served at Scoops & Smiles are vital to the proper operation of our police services. The…

Well, hi there! I’m Vice President Joe Biden. You may remember me from that speech I gave after winning the primary elections on Tuesday night. What day is it today? Sunday? Have I really not been on TV since then? Wow! So, I gather a lot of people are looking for me, wondering where I am, what I’m doing in this time of national crisis, how I’m keeping my high-risk keister safe from the deadly virus outside, how I’m taking advantage of this unique opportunity to display my leadership capabilities. These are good questions, and I’m going to answer them…

Credit: Gage Skidmore I’m an older, white, middle-American male with lots of “problematic” opinions on race and gender, so naturally, the question on everybody’s mind lately is whether I’m going to vote for Bernie Sanders. I haven’t made up my mind just yet, to tell you the truth. If Joe Rogan likes him, he can’t be too bad. And I must admit, as someone whose skills and work experience are poorly suited to a postindustrial economy, Bernie’s proposals for more rural jobs, higher wages, and a robust social safety net are sounding pretty darn good to me right now. Nevertheless,…

On January 3rd, President Trump unilaterally ordered the killing of Qassem Soleimani, a high-ranking Iranian general who commanded the Quds Force of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. There is no doubt that Soleimani was an evil terrorist and a dangerous enemy of the United States. However, the timing of the attack was unforgivably rash. Before engaging in air strikes, the president must consult with Congress, our allies in the Middle East, and, most importantly, our state augurs and priests. By neglecting this due diligence, Trump has defied the gods, displayed extreme hubris, and put all of America in the crosshairs of terrible…

Consider the East Asian monsoon. This famous weather pattern, immortalized in the folklore and literature of the East, causes a cycle of heavy seasonal rains. The animal life of Southern and Eastern Asia have evolved to take advantage of the monsoon, and the area’s human inhabitants have incorporated it into their way of life. Like so much else, however, the monsoons are being disrupted by climate change. In recent years, the monsoon season has grown shorter and shorter, with prolonged dry periods in between that more and more often cross over into drought. When the rains do come, they are shorter and more…

1969: Neil Armstrong becomes the first human to walk on the moon, broadcasting back to Earth the immortal words, “By God, it’s perfect! Not a hippie in sight!” 1970: A return trip is made to the moon (Buzz Aldrin left his wallet). 1971: The astronauts on the ill-fated Apollo 13 mission are successfully returned home in what is later determined to be the most expensive assistance call in AAA history. 1974: Alan Shepherd hits a golf ball on the moon, unluckily sinking it into a sand trap. 1976: Led Zeppelin records a follow-up to Physical Graffiti on the moon. “We’ve…

Mega Man   In this gritty war story, Mega Man (Kodi Smit-McPhee) is reimagined as an orphaned Romanian youth wandering around Europe during World War II, hunting down the level bosses from the Mega Man series, who in this world are all high-ranking Nazis. Mega Man’s robot body has a steampunk vibe and a prominent crotch bulge. The trailer features a haunting cover of Sisqo’s “Thong Song.” Q*bert A dark comedy featuring the titular character (Ray Liotta) as a cynical warehouse worker who becomes tangled up in a drug deal gone bad. Q*bert’s character design mirrors that of the video…

It’s been a tough year for gun rights advocates such as myself. There have been over three hundred mass shootings. Over and over, plainly dangerous people have gained access to high-powered weapons – very often legally – and used them for their intended purpose: killing a lot of humans very quickly. And over and over, the arguments I make in favor of loosely-regulated private gun ownership fall on their face. It’s just too tiring to keep up, so I’m dropping the pretense. There’s one real reason I argue in favor of my right to buy many powerful guns with few…

Ely, Minnesota This relaxing resort town in the heart of unspoiled American wilderness boasts world-class freshwater fishing and the famous Blueberry Festival each August. We recommend you go to the Moose Track Adventures resort, where there is a reservation under the name “Dana Metzger.” You will be assigned to cabin 12 and behind a loose stone on the mantlepiece you will find cash, several passports, and a scrap of paper with some sort of message – we’re told you’ll be able to make sense of it.   Boston, Massachusetts Where the pleasures of the seaside and the allure of colonial…