100 Words or Less: On Easter
Apr16

100 Words or Less: On Easter

Dogmatically speaking, Easter is the most important of the Christian holidays. It is also heavy as shit. Even the scrubbed Sunday School telling has a good man accused of bogus crimes he is then brutally murdered for, after which his ghost comes back to advise his grieving friends how to carry on without him. The dark nature of the story is why we shove sugar down the throats of children, to distract them from the horrors of the...

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Fight the Patriarchy By Summoning the Ghosts of Feminism!
Feb21

Fight the Patriarchy By Summoning the Ghosts of Feminism!

Hey girls. Have you been wanting to commune with the dead, but are unable to because you just can’t handle how complicated and, let’s face it, drab Ouija boards are? Well great news! Now you can get your very own Ouija board for women! Obviously this was necessary, and to prove it here’s a list of all the reasons that having a separate Ouija board for the ladies is helpful: It prevents the spread of ghost cooties It goes fabulously...

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100 Words or Less: On Groundhog Day
Feb02

100 Words or Less: On Groundhog Day

“Punxsutawney Phil has seen his shadow!” I read on my phone, a miniature super computer capable of presenting data from all over the world, and I am thankful we have this rodent to tell us what the weather will be. “What a time to be alive,” I write on Twitter, where I am connected to millions of people all over the globe simultaneously. “Truly we are blessed.”     More jokes, at no extra...

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Exclusive: Donald Trump’s Letter to Santa
Dec11

Exclusive: Donald Trump’s Letter to Santa

Santa, Wow. What a year. Can you believe it? I’m the president! The ultimate winner! Are you jealous? It’s okay, I know you are and I don’t blame you. I’m very much the greatest. Anyway, you’re probably wondering, with how great I am and, by the way, all the winning I’m doing, what else could I possibly want for Christmas? It’s a good question, really good question. People have been asking it. And while it’s true I already have a lot,...

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People Who Complain About ‘Political Correctness’ Are the Biggest Crybabies of All
Nov23

People Who Complain About ‘Political Correctness’ Are the Biggest Crybabies of All

Last weekend, we were treated to the spectacle of Mike Pence and the Theater Community. In case you missed it, Pence went to see the hit musical and soon-to-be-its-own-sentient-entity Hamilton. The audience then actively booed him. Considering this is a man who not only thinks you should be allowed to refuse the LGBT community service in your business, but that it’s totally cool to electrocute them until they are straighter than a...

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