1. “You Belong to Me Until I Say So in Writing” 2. “No Teardrops on Your Coffin or His” 3. “Forever and Always I’m Better Than You” 4. “Dear John, Jake, Calvin, Conor, Harry, Tom, and Calvin Again” 5. “Sparks Fly When I Turn on My Chainsaw” 6. “I Killed My Ex (LMAO!) 7. “Blank Space That I Dug Up With This Shovel” 8. “Shake It Off, It’s Just a Stab Wound” 9. “I Knew You Were Trouble When I Couldn’t Crack the Code on Your Phone” 10. “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together Because the Judge Said So”
Author: Salim Alam
Salim Alam
Salim Alam is a comedy writer and improviser based out of Washington, DC. He has studied improv at the DC Improv and sketch writing with The Second City. He writes satirical articles and monologue jokes that focus on politics. Salim enjoys ice cream, Scotch, and avoiding the doctor. Follow him on Twitter @1salimalam.
I woke up this morning and she was gone. It’s not like her to wake up super early, so I knew something was up. She’d been acting weird for days. Last night, she stayed up texting someone and giggling. Then when I tried to initiate cuddling, she just said she was tired and went to sleep. Tired? From what? I’ll tell you from what, from sex. But not with me, because sex with me doesn’t make you tired. I think she’s back to seeing her current husband and kids. We first started dating when I saw her at the supermarket.…