Author: The Robot Butt Staff

The Mascots Are All Actual Animals Instead Of Costumes They will still be on the field and in the stands having a good time. The Detroit Tigers ticket sales are at an all-time low. It is unclear if it is because of the new mascot rule or because they are the Detroit Tigers. Every Nut Scratch Is In Memoriam This Year Tommy Nutscratch, the pitcher for the 1936 Newark Peppers who originated the move, passed away this year after a long battle with testicular cancer. Every team has agreed all nut scratches this season are in his honor. Getting Hit…

Remember when Elon Musk wanted to buy The Onion and then started his own comedy site that immediately failed? Surely he’s ready to get hurt again. What are the odds we can get him to notice us and give us a couple million? I know we definitely missed the boat and the boom on sites like this was like a decade ago when CollegeHumor wasn’t a gameshow network, but come on, surely we can still pull it off. We just gotta write something controversial and have it go viral enough that he comments “interesting” or “you are saying the truth”…

This year has certainly had its ups and downs here on our comedy website. With major successes like our second zine and that time we correctly predicted every single 2023 and future Oscar winner and tougher moments like when our brother was found murdered in Margrave, Georgia and we were arrested as the prime suspect. Luckily, multiple bus tickets were able to easily exonerate us, meaning we will be free to keep posting all throughout 2024. Here are some of the bigger things we are cooking up: More Zines! We loved making last year’s Halloween compilation and we are particularly…

It’s not even good! Literally a listicle I wrote this morning in 5ish minutes. Our corporate overlords (we sold out last year for roughly 300 million each), demanded we do some kind of sale today. Problem is, we don’t really sell any of these pieces and Steve lost the login to our merch site years ago. So we drafted up this piece and it’s on sale today. Let’s just say it’s 50% off of what it will cost starting tomorrow, which will be a number probably. That seems fine.

I’m not usually one to speak up during Zoom calls; I prefer to internally absorb the information being presented to me. (You know I’m still going to unmute myself and say, “Thanks everybody!” at the end of an hour-long meeting in which I say nothing, though.) But today, I had something on my mind and I felt it would be a worthy contribution to the end of our department’s weekly Zoom meeting. When my boss Nathan asked if anyone else had anything to share, I unmuted my mic and posited my question to the group: “Do any of you ever…

Hey Guys, just a heads up that there’s no new post today. My dad, forever bozo, opened up the dang pharaoh’s tomb and got cursed by the mummy therein. Haven’t really figured out what the curse is yet, but, like, it’s definitely a bad one for sure. We’ll have a new comedy piece up tomorrow, unless he’s vomiting scarabs by then! H.A.G.S.

October is finally here, which means the Spookening has pushed the pedal to the floor. Here is what we’re watching this week: Us (2019): While Get Out was a certified classic right out of the gate, Us is a frustrating movie and something of a sophomore slump for Peele. I gave it a rewatch and had the same issues with it as I did the first time, in that once reveals start happening much of what we had seen before doesn’t make much sense. There are so many gaps in logic and plot holes that emerge that it greatly distracts…