Scientists Warn ‘Avatar’ Quintilogy Could Happen in Our Lifetime
Aug10

Scientists Warn ‘Avatar’ Quintilogy Could Happen in Our Lifetime

BOSTON – On Tuesday, research scientists at MIT, in conjunction with representatives from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, released a startling report indicating that an Avatar quintilogy could occur much sooner than previously feared. During a decade-long study measuring a variety of factors ranging from the prevalence of 3D in the entertainment marketplace to James Cameron’s pigheadedness to the number of...

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Snapchat Launches Filter That Makes You Just as Ugly on the Outside as You Are on the Inside
Aug08

Snapchat Launches Filter That Makes You Just as Ugly on the Outside as You Are on the Inside

LOS ANGELES – Tech giant Snapchat, whose innovative “filters” have made users’ faces light up with flower crowns and puppy tongues, announced the launch today of a filter with a more honest approach. “We did a lot of research and took a deep dive into the minds of our users,” said Snapchat co-founder Evan Spiegel. “And we came away with a really compelling insight: These people are the literal fucking worst.” In response to...

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Directionless Mid-20s Refugee Neglecting Proud Family Tradition of Becoming War Casualty
Aug07

Directionless Mid-20s Refugee Neglecting Proud Family Tradition of Becoming War Casualty

ALEPPO, Syria – Local slacker and Aleppo High’s “Most Likely to Miss Their Own Shelling” Adnan Abdallah continues to disappoint his community by extending his gap year forcefully detained in an Australian detention center. Upon seeing images of his son hunger striking with friends at the popular detention center Nauru, 57-year-old Adnan Sr. told the press “I get it, have fun at the hands of some other nation’s human rights...

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Stephen King’s New Book Follows Author Haunted by Horrible Adaptations of His Stories
Aug04

Stephen King’s New Book Follows Author Haunted by Horrible Adaptations of His Stories

BOSTON, Mass. – Fans of horror maestro Stephen King are in for a treat this fall, as the author is releasing his brand-new book Cursed, which tells the story of a world-famous author who is forced to endure hundreds of awful, half-assed, and downright terrible adaptions of his heralded work. “I’ve written about so many things in my career,” said King, who has produced sixty books and almost two hundred short...

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Local Klansman Angry That White Crayon Is Just Sitting in the Box Unused
Jul25

Local Klansman Angry That White Crayon Is Just Sitting in the Box Unused

PEACHTREE, Ga. – Mike, a father of two and a member of the Ku Klux Klan, recently attended his son’s first grade open house and he was outraged by what he saw. “I was looking through the art supplies in my son’s classroom while we were waiting for the program to start and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Mike said. “There was a giant box of crayons, like a 64-pack probably, and all of them were worn down from use. Except for one....

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