Paul Ryan Introduces Legislation Allowing Only People in First Place in Mario Kart to Get Blue Shells
Jan04

Paul Ryan Introduces Legislation Allowing Only People in First Place in Mario Kart to Get Blue Shells

WASHINGTON – Introduced by Paul Ryan and having the full support of the GOP behind it, House Republicans seem poised to pass a new bill that will make it illegal for anyone other than whoever is in first to throw the blue shell in Mario Kart. The blue shell, an item typically reserved for those further behind in the race that automatically attacks whoever is in first, was seen as an unfair advantage by Republicans. “The people...

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Man Resolves to Abandon New Year’s Resolutions Faster Than Ever
Jan02

Man Resolves to Abandon New Year’s Resolutions Faster Than Ever

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. – With the clean slate of a brand-new year upon him, local insurance salesman James Crosby has resolved to abandon all of his New Year’s resolutions faster than ever before. “I know it’s an ambitious goal to simply give up on them by the end of the first week of January,” Crosby said. “But it’s a new year, I’m energized, and I’m confident I can do it.” In...

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Mall Santas Return to Pasture for Next 11 Months
Dec29

Mall Santas Return to Pasture for Next 11 Months

As the holiday season comes to a close, a yearly tradition returns to the Midwestern United States: The return migration of mall Santas. Each Thanksgiving, these plump, jolly creatures descend on shopping areas nationwide to brighten the days of children everywhere and listen to Christmas wishes. Early each January, they return from whence they came to begin beefing up for the next season. “It takes a lot out of you,” said Terry...

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Day After Christmas Officially Tired of Playing Second Fiddle to Black Friday
Dec28

Day After Christmas Officially Tired of Playing Second Fiddle to Black Friday

A press conference held this week to mark the holiday season turned controversial when December 26th told reporters that it has finally had it with always taking a back seat to Black Friday. Citing the abundance of “doorbuster” deals and even the special name for whichever date follows Thanksgiving, the day after Christmas announced that it’s finally taking a stand. “For thousands of years, I’ve been nothing but consistent in my...

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‘Fox & Friends’ Devotes Entire Episode to Explaining Santa Claus to Trump
Dec24

‘Fox & Friends’ Devotes Entire Episode to Explaining Santa Claus to Trump

NEW YORK – In an unusual programming move, Fox & Friends, the popular Fox News morning show that has become a ritual for President Donald Trump and a conduit for delivering messages directly to him, devoted its entire show today to explaining the concept of Santa Claus. “So he’s this magical man that has lived for thousands upon thousands of years,” said co-host Steve Doocy, looking directly into the...

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