I Still Cannot Figure Out Hand Turkeys
Nov13

I Still Cannot Figure Out Hand Turkeys

I cannot for the life of me figure out how to draw these hand turkeys. I know I start by putting my hand on the paper. I got that. Then I pick up a pencil. Easy. Then I put the pencil on the paper, lead first. Obvious, I know, but right after this is where I just get totally lost. I start drawing a line up the side of my hand. I get to the top of the pinky, go around it, down to that little skin web in between my fingers, and, oh...

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My New Leaf Blower Is the Shit
Nov02

My New Leaf Blower Is the Shit

You see these leaves right here? Boom. Now they’re over there. How did I do it, you’re saying. Am I a magician? No. But I did get a new leaf blower, and it’s the shit. I used to hate fall. Now, fall is the shit. Every day I wake up at five a.m. and blow leaves. I strut up and down my lawn waving that sucker like it’s a big air penis and they’re just some dumb little leaves. “You’re not even alive,” I tell the leaves. “Corpses of your...

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A Defense, of Sorts, for Me Setting Your House on Fire
Oct18

A Defense, of Sorts, for Me Setting Your House on Fire

Of all the dismaying details from yesterday when I set your house on fire, none are more disturbing than this: you still can’t get over it. Come on. You’re acting like it happened yesterday, and it did happen yesterday, but that was almost 24 hours ago. News moves fast in 2017! We were eating dinner at your place and I said, “Hey, I bet I could light your whole house on fire with this one Cozy Sweater-scented Yankee candle.” You said...

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