End of 2017 Self Check-In Quiz
Dec31

End of 2017 Self Check-In Quiz

Hooray! It’s finally time to ring in the new year! As you’re planning for 2018, now’s a great time to do some self-reflection; to get where you’re going, you need to know where you’re at. Take the quiz below to gain insight into your post-2017 emotional state, then use what you learn to set meaningful goals for the new year! (1) On a scale of 1-10, rate your anxiety regarding the following: Workplace interactions. 1 2 3 4...

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4 Celeb Diet Tricks That’ll Have People Wondering, ‘Did She Somehow Contract a Rat-Borne Illness?’
Dec20

4 Celeb Diet Tricks That’ll Have People Wondering, ‘Did She Somehow Contract a Rat-Borne Illness?’

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you finally hate yourself enough to lose the weight. That’s both the first and easiest step. But where do you go from here? With so many diets promising to transform your body into an Instagrammable fuck-shrine, it’s hard to know who to listen to. We wanted to help, so we gathered exclusive tips straight from the pioneers of modern dieting: Iron-deficient celebrities. Try out these four tricks...

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An Open Letter to the Phantom of the Opera From an Extremely Concerned Viewer
Oct31

An Open Letter to the Phantom of the Opera From an Extremely Concerned Viewer

Dear Phantom (of the Opera), Last week, a friend took me to see your play for the first time. I’ve spent the days since ceaselessly revisiting each moment in my head, attempting to make sense of it all. Alas, after hours of careful character deconstruction, I’m somehow infinitely more confused and concerned. Phantom, I feel I’m left with no option other than to simply ask: What’s with your “entire deal,” man? To start, you live...

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9 Conversation Starters for When You’re Forced to Chat With the 99%
Oct17

9 Conversation Starters for When You’re Forced to Chat With the 99%

Here you are again, at a complete loss for words. Perhaps you accidentally made eye contact with your rag-clad caddy. Or maybe you have to woo a jury of your peers’ subordinates while on trial for insider trading. Even for a down-to-earth tycoon like you, making relatable conversation can be a challenge when you have so little in common with commoners. But struggle no more! These relationship-building conversation starters will...

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9 Key Differences Between White Supremacists and My Butthole
Aug25

9 Key Differences Between White Supremacists and My Butthole

1. My butthole doesn’t discriminate 2. My butthole has what most would say is a flattering haircut 3. When my butthole bleeds, I’m not happy 4. My butthole isn’t an asshole 5. There’s at least potential for someone to enjoy having sex with my butthole 6. If Jesus met my butthole, he probably wouldn’t hate it 7. My butthole has yet to hold and/or defile a tiki torch 8. Donald Trump in no way stimulates my butthole 9. My butthole makes...

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