Author: Chaco Daniel

Pallet of toilet paper liberated from a Costco delivery truck. “Go bag” containing water, non-perishable food and a first-aid kit. Map to safe houses. A LifeStraw water filter. Perfect for consuming tap water in a city where the infrastructure is crumbling. The book Chicken Soup for the Soul. Mood-alteration device: basket of Golden Retriever puppies. Can of actual chicken soup. A copy of the U.S. Constitution. Supply of N-95 masks. A burned CD that only includes Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy” thirty-five times in a row. A voucher for safe passage to a country with socialized medicine. Brightly colored…

Dear American voter (and Kid Rock fan!), I come to you today with some news sweeter than the guitars on “All Summer Long”: I, Kid Rock, born in rockin’ Romeo, Michigan, am running for a second term as the President of these here United-Fucking-States of America. Now, there may be those among you who say “Kid. Wasn’t once enough?” And to those haters I just say: “Was one toke ever enough? Was one twenty-minute bass solo enough? Was one case of the clap enough?” Hell to the naw. This Kid wants more! There’s more work to be done. So I…

Don’t be alarmed. I’ve come from the not-too-distant future and boy am I glad to be here. Because, I’ll be honest, that place is a fricking hellhole! Do not recommend visiting. So tell me, what year is it? 2019? Thank God. That means I can live a normal life for a period of years before things really get kooky. The invasion of the Zorgonians is a ways off. I think. Calendars were never my strong suit. Let me explain: Halistosis, the Master Calendarmaker in my rebel camp, was grabbed up by one of Zorgonian raiding parties and after that we…

10 Times Lorgan Frost, Grand Commander of the Districts, Smirked Before Beheading a Rebel! Shocking: You Won’t Believe What Hunky Rebel Leader, Meeta, Looks Like Now After Being Captured by Lorgan’s Elite Bloodthirsty Guards Scary! Our Staff Tried a Necessity Food From the Districts: Human Flesh! What Kind of Rebel Are You? Hot? Smart? Dead Martyr? Soon-to-Be-Dead Martyr? Wise Elder? Take the Quiz! The 10 Types of Murderous Warlords You’ll Meet in the Burning Wastes Are Your Parents Secretly Plotting Against Lorgan? See How Many of the Warning Signs They’re Enacting A Plucky Orphan Tried to Stop One of Lorgan’s…

Saving Private Ryan’s Bakery In this whimsical reboot of Steven Spielberg’s bloody World War II drama, the picturesque Oregon town of Astoria becomes the battleground for a pair of rival bakeries both seeking to prove themselves and win a lucrative opportunity to cater the town’s Reindeer Day event. War is hell but real hell is when your dough won’t rise. Muffinfellas An ambitious and hunky young man grows up in the baking game and works hard to advance himself through the ranks at the Cicero Family Cannolis company. But his rise to the top is stifled by the patriarch of…

Fyre Camp Campers will be treated to a grueling two-week immersive island-like experience dreamed up by rap artist and noted festival visionary, Ja Rule. No outside food or beverages are allowed. Fiji water bottles prices start at $20. Nightly shows include performances by descendants of C+C Music Factory, Mark Walhberg’s old band The Funky Bunch (minus Mark Wahlberg), and a second generation iPod. Attendance at the camp includes exclusive access to Snapchat filters that allow you to Ratajkowski-ize or Kendall-ize yourself. Additionally, all campers are expected to sign a waiver agreeing to hold Ja Rule not liable before being admitted.…

“The disease is youngsters who are steeped in a culture of violence. They’ve been drugged in many cases. Nearly all of these perpetrators are male. Many of these young boys have been on Ritalin since they were in kindergarten.” – NRA president Oliver North Ritalin, huh? What are some other scapegoats the NRA has been using to explain these ongoing school shootings? 1. Animal-shaped vita gummies: Regular consumption of animal shapes helps reinforce the message that total destruction of your enemies should be the only goal for young males. 2. Hollywood movies: Sure, these movies are distributed worldwide but they’re…

1. Refuse to stop giggling anytime someone mentions Santa coming down a chimney. 2. Offered to give the mall Santa a lap dance. 3. Instead of leaving milk and cookies they want to leave Santa a vape pen and a Four Loko. 4. Mrs. Claus now equals MILF. 5. Told a young cousin that the roadkill they just passed was Rudolph. 6. Asked whether Santa’s Naughty List is backed up on on tape or hard drive. 7. They’ve tried to snort colored sugar. 8. Demanded Santa follow back on IG. 9. Claims they saw Mommy kissing Santa’s candy cane and now want therapy for Christmas. 10. Believe the song…

Hello avid, politically-savvy naturalists! We’ve been receiving lots of requests for how to spot the increasingly rare Mike Pence. The “Pencer” is an erratic, barely evolved creature to be sure and if you haven’t seen it, well, you’re not alone. While there was once a time you could easily spot one, currently, you’re going to have to be a lot more persistent. To help familiarize you with this creature, please read this short refresher. We pray that it may make finding the Mike Pence a little easier. Mike Pence  Doofiscus Inbredicus Spotting Overview Coloring: White with a white plumage. It…

Water Safety Specialist: This exciting side hustle will have you single-handedly rebuilding a city’s crumbling water infrastructure so your tap water doesn’t kill anyone in the house. Set your own hours and earn a steady stream of drinkable water. Advertising Watchdog: If you love spending time on Breitbart, mingling with reprehensible, opinion-based reporting and shaking with rage, you’ll dig this gig. You’ll take screenshots of advertisements that appear alongside offensive Breitbart content and share them with the brand’s Twitter account and then bask in the glory of them, maybe, removing the ad. The intangible satisfaction of doing something will be…