The Motion-Activated Faucet in Your Office Bathroom Is Just Fucking With You Now
Sep05

The Motion-Activated Faucet in Your Office Bathroom Is Just Fucking With You Now

It started out innocently. At first, when you stuck your hands under the faucet, the water wouldn’t turn on, so you had to thrust your hands forward and back a few times like you were spinning a record on an imaginary turn table. You didn’t think much of it. You were used to little annoyances around your office, like that tall guy named Kevin who always hovers over your desk and sniffles loudly, so what was one more thing? Then things...

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5 Reasons Mike Pence Is Looking Forward to His Upcoming Stay at a Maximum-Security Prison
Jun07

5 Reasons Mike Pence Is Looking Forward to His Upcoming Stay at a Maximum-Security Prison

1. Bible Study One of Mike’s biggest regrets is that the demands of his career have gotten in the way of his Bible study time. Also, one of his biggest frustrations is that he has never been able to supplant the pastor’s son as leader of his Bible study class. Such nepotism! However, both of these problems will be things of the past once Mike is safely behind bars. Mike is already daydreaming about lounging around all day idly...

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I Am Having Doubts About the Active Volcano in My Neighborhood, But I Remain Hopeful
Apr08

I Am Having Doubts About the Active Volcano in My Neighborhood, But I Remain Hopeful

You might remember that I was the guy who threw my support behind the active volcano that was discovered in my neighborhood because I felt like it could bring about the change we so desperately needed. Now that it’s been a few months, I will admit that I do have a few doubts, but I remain hopeful. Let me explain. First off, I’m a positive person and if there is one thing I’ve learned from this whole volcano situation is that there are...

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We Are the National Basketball Association and We Are Here to Save America From Fascism
Apr01

We Are the National Basketball Association and We Are Here to Save America From Fascism

This post was originally published on BullshitIst. Please allow us a moment to introduce ourselves. We are the National Basketball Association (NBA for short). Perhaps you’ve seen us on TV soaring through the air, dunking basketballs into hoops (or rings, Ted Cruz), shooting three-pointers, giving high-fives, passing, dribbling behind our backs, and, most recently, serving as the moral compass for the United States of America. That’s...

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I Fully Support This Active Volcano in My Neighborhood Because I Think We Need Change
Jan17

I Fully Support This Active Volcano in My Neighborhood Because I Think We Need Change

A lot of people have been really freaking out about the active volcano that was just discovered in my neighborhood. And I get it, it did come as a surprise to all of us and it does kind of make you question what kind of neighborhood we’ve been living in all these years. But, that being said, I just think the hand wringing and predictions of doom are just a little over the top. I’m actually pretty hopeful. I think this volcano might...

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