I, the Internet, Cannot Remain Neutral About This One Thing

Mac Computer Internet Google

Hey, it’s me, the Internet. You know, the electronic superhighway that connects you to everything? Listen, I know net neutrality has been a big issue lately and I know you’re in favor of it, but there’s one thing I cannot remain “neutral” on. I, the Internet, don’t like your boyfriend, Doug.

I can practically be Switzerland here about everything else. I didn’t judge you when you watched that porn, remember? But Doug just gets under my metaphorical skin! Why would you settle for a guy who still thinks his band would have made it? I know you spend a lot of time Googling your high school boyfriend and yes, you would have been happier with him. Doug shares THE WORST memes. All the time. It’s disgusting.

I guess I see some of the appeal. According to every photo ever taken of him, Doug’s not a bad-looking guy. But out of all the shows he could possibly stream on me, he watches The Big Bang Theory, when there are so many better options. That’s not opinion – it’s fact.

Please dump this douche. I promise I’ll remain neutral about everything else. Just let me have this one thing. Besides, he spends way too much time looking at your sister’s Instagram.

Glad I got that off my chest. See you online.


The Internet



Rachel Keller

Author: Rachel Keller

Rachel Keller is a student at NYU Gallatin School of Individualized Study. She has studied improv and sketch at the Upright Citizens Brigade. You can find a piece of her hair onscreen in the season finale of 'Madame Secretary.'

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