WASHINGTON – The Centers for Disease Control issued a stern warning ahead of Donald Trump’s State of the Union Tuesday, advising Americans to not stare directly at the president’s address to the nation.
“I can assure you, no good will come of it,” said CDC head Brenda Fitzgerald. “Headaches, piercing bowel pain, and even immediate blindness are just a few of the guaranteed side effects of prolonged staring at what will be unfolding before your eyes.”
Friedan explained that anyone watching the State of the Union for too long may also experience a deep disconnect with reality and an immense desire “to be transported to a realm that is a form of sensory deprivation unlike anything humans can truly comprehend.” Those wishing to listen to the president’s speech, or those simply catching it on the TV in another room of the house, are in for a surprise as well, with experts predicting an astronomical surge in what’s known in the medical community as “eardrum nuking.”
Wrapping up the press conference, the CDC director advised against sending tapes of the State of the Union to the White House as “we’ve checked and President Trump appears immune to the effects of essentially anything.”