CARBONDALE, Ill. – A new study conducted by researchers at the University of Southern Illinois suggests that people who are habitually late, forgetful, and full of uncontrollable rage might have a higher intelligence than their more rational-minded peers.
“We’ve known for a while now that habitual lateness can be a sign that you’re an optimistic person,” said Dr. Juan Marquez, lead author of the study. “And that being forgetful is the result of an efficient hippocampus in the brain. But we didn’t know until now that being full of uncontrollable rage, previously perceived as an undesirable quality, could suggest that you’re actually far more intelligent than your peers. Which explains why you get so mad at them all the time.”
The study continues to say that in the future, if you can prove that you’re a forgetful, habitually late, pathologically angry person, it may be more effective than having a college degree.
“Employers want to know a few things,” Dr. Marquez said. “They want to know that you believe in the work you’re doing, that you can effectively adapt to changing circumstances, and that you’ll go to any irrational means necessary to get the job done because if you don’t, God only knows what you’ll do to yourself and others. If you can show that in a job interview, you won’t need a college degree.”
While being full of uncontrollable rage might be a sign of greater-than-average intelligence, Dr. Marquez does not encourage acting on that rage in a violent manner. “In the study, we sorted people into two groups,” Dr. Marquez said. “People who internalize their rage, and people who act on it in a violent manner.”
When asked what results this experiment produced, Dr. Marquez shrugged.
“It’s hard to say because we had to separate the two. Group B was about to beat the shit out of Group A.”
Dr. Marquez’s next study, to be conducted in the spring, will explore how narcissism might actually be everyone else’s fault but your own.