5 Emergency Alerts We Need in Our Lives

Looking Down at Phone Getting Text

Look, smartphones are great, but they’re also a constant reminder of how shitty life can be. One day your phone reminds you that your boss is pissed at you, and one day it says you’re going to die a fiery death from a fucking ballistic missile.

Emergency alerts are supposed to be helpful, and though this was a huge mistake, it had me thinking, why aren’t there MORE emergency alerts to warn me about shit that actually happens?

Here are five examples of emergency alerts that would help our lives much, much more:

1. They’re probably going to say “I love you.”

Drunk Text Alert

We all send drunk texts, some more than others. This alert will help you know when you need to silence that shit, or if the situation is dire, turn your phone on “Do Not Disturb” and completely ignore the world, and go right back to scrolling through Twitter on your laptop.

2. Don’t shit where you eat, but you will anyway.

Roommate Text Alert

I know first-hand that I’m a shitty roommate, and honestly, who isn’t? We’ll always have roommates, and it’s always going to be miserable. This alert is designed to give you enough warning to “find” what you stole quickly and return it. Congratulations asshole, you’ve put out the fire for one more day!

3. Oh right, about that.

Making Plans Text

We’re all guilty of this. Whether it’s your twice-removed best friend from high school you definitely need to catch up with, or that weird-ass Tinder match you’re trying to ghost, this alert will give you enough time to come up with your next finely tuned line of bullshit and keep the façade of reunion going. Good for you!

4. That was this weekend?

Xanax Text

Nobody wants to hang out with their in-laws, and I mean nobody. If you say you do, you’re a filthy liar. However, that opinion is nothing a little Xanax can’t fix. With this alert, you’ll be given ample time to run to your medicine cabinet and mellow out with that prescription you attained because you’re “afraid of flying.” Before you know it, you’ll forget you know it! Hallelujah!

5. Good luck.

Funny How Text

This is probably the most significant alert we as humans need to incorporate. The dreaded “I just think it’s funny how” text has plagued relationships alike, and is one of the deadliest sentences you can ever lay your eyes on.

You’ve really fucked up this time, there’s no denying the fact. However, YOU can deny it happened all you want! With this emergency alert, you will be given enough time to weasel your way out of it, or better yet, twist it around to put the blame on them! Keep it up – love is real!



Andrew Kut

Author: Andrew Kut

Andrew is a college student, writer and former Canadian who will never let you forget it. You can find his writing across several industries and publications, but his real dream is to get more retweets and keep his fragile ego taped together. Help him remain stable and follow him on Twitter @AndrewKut19.

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