Apoca-luscious! Beauty Trends for This Nuclear Winter

Woman in Apocalypse

“Do not use conditioner in your hair because it will bind radioactive material to your hair, keeping it from rinsing out easily.” – Ready.gov, “During a Nuclear Blast”

What’s hot this season, besides our smoldering cities? Never fear, we’ve got the scoop! Right now it’s all about comfortable chic – light layers and day-to-night looks that fit your lifestyle, whether you’re sheltering in place or running for your life. Fabrics are stretchy, for easy removal at the first sign of a bright flash. Hair is flowing and natural; leave off the conditioner, as it weighs down your mane and holds in radioactive residue.

The top designer colors are dark and muted, to avoid drawing the deadly gaze of the Tower People, who seized control when the sun went black. But understated doesn’t have to mean boring – a versatile scarf is just the thing to accentuate a plain T-shirt and leggings. As an added bonus, it can be tied around your face, offering protection when roaming militias use gas or other noxious fumes on your encampment. For the most on-point styles and patterns, go to Hermès, the madwoman who lives under the old bus.

Want to get your body bikini-ready? Why not go vegan, especially since most animal life has been obliterated, along with most plant life? Many of the items you find while scavenging are both filling and 100 percent free of animal products: dried toothpaste, clumpy old jars of spices, Styrofoam packing peanuts, etc. Then burn off calories with some kickboxing, a great way to work your obliques while also fending off the Tower People and their minions.

As for makeup, the clean skin look is back – in fact, make sure you clean your skin thoroughly, should you manage to find water. Wash it off. Wash it all off. Don’t scrub, even though you will definitely want to. Scrubbing lets it inside you. Why does it never feel like it’s gone? Some unique touches include acid-bright eyelids, which you may already have thanks to all the acid. Blood, whether your own or that of rival scavengers, can make a nice lip tint. Extreme nails are in – try wearing them long and pointed, studded with Swarovski crystals. This isn’t your mother’s manicure, which is fine, because you don’t want to remember your mother and how she joined that cult that worships the Tower People.

Most metal jewelery was melted down for weapons in the Battle for the Truck Full of Bread. But you can still find plenty of cute costume accessories at the Gap – that is, the Gap in the Tower, where it might be possible to break in and steal supplies. It’s certain death if you’re caught, but that prospect seems less unthinkable each day. Or create your own original pieces by upcycling objects found in and around your lean-to. For example, old finger bones can make an elegant Bohemian-inspired bead necklace that’s perfect for layering. If you’ve got extra time (and bones), go all out with it and make a matching necklace for the feral dog that got fused to your leg.

This promises to be fashion’s boldest, and probably last, season. Whoever reads this, whether you’re of our kind, or perhaps some demon summoned by Swarovski the Hermit through use of his magic crystals, these tips will help you put together a look that’s on fire – but hopefully not in the literal sense, hahahahahahaha! That’s all for now; the Tower People are marching this way, singing their killing song. Please remember us. And remember not to wear those shirts with the balloon sleeves, which are unflattering on every body type.



Katie Burgess

Author: Katie Burgess

Katie Burgess lives in South Carolina, where she performs with Alchemy Comedy Theater and serves as editor-in-chief of Emrys Journal.

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