Day 1: Stedman will not be the First Gentleman; Gayle will be the First Lady.
Day 2: No more Bibles in court, now you swear to tell the truth on a copy of The Secret.
Day 3: Everyone gets a vacation to AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
Day 17: Once we all get back from Australia, immigration reform.
Day 28: Everyone in America loses 50 pounds.
Day 29: Muslim ban lifted.
Day 30: Everyone in America gains back the 50 pounds and an additional 10.
Day 35: White House implements an open-door policy where anyone can come to Oprah if they want to talk about their feelings or if they’re Will Smith.
Day 40: We find out Ellen’s gay again.
Day 45: On a very special Super Soul Sunday, Tony Robbins is air-dropped into the Middle East to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Day 50: Tom Cruise gets to jump on Air Force One.
Day 58: The Situation Room now only handles domestic disputes between wives and their awful, awful husbands.
Day 61: Dr. Oz named Secretary of Education.
Day 62: Deepak Chopra named Secretary of Energy.
Day 63: The Pregnant Man named Secretary of Labor.
Day 70: Gun control legislation passed.
Day 85: Everyone who said Oprah shouldn’t be president regrets it.
Day 86: All news agencies banned except O Magazine.
Day 87: They stop regretting it.
Day 90: Net Neutrality listed as one of Oprah’s Favorite Things.
Day 91: They’re okay with it again.
Day 99: Oprah says beef is bad.
Day 100: Dr. Phil named the leader of America’s newest spin-off: The Confederacy.