President Oprah’s First 100 Days

Oprah President

Day 1: Stedman will not be the First Gentleman; Gayle will be the First Lady.

Day 2: No more Bibles in court, now you swear to tell the truth on a copy of The Secret.

Day 3: Everyone gets a vacation to AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Day 17: Once we all get back from Australia, immigration reform.

Day 28: Everyone in America loses 50 pounds.

Day 29: Muslim ban lifted.

Day 30: Everyone in America gains back the 50 pounds and an additional 10.

Day 35: White House implements an open-door policy where anyone can come to Oprah if they want to talk about their feelings or if they’re Will Smith.

Day 40: We find out Ellen’s gay again.

Day 45: On a very special Super Soul Sunday, Tony Robbins is air-dropped into the Middle East to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Day 50: Tom Cruise gets to jump on Air Force One.

Day 58: The Situation Room now only handles domestic disputes between wives and their awful, awful husbands.

Day 61: Dr. Oz named Secretary of Education.

Day 62: Deepak Chopra named Secretary of Energy.

Day 63: The Pregnant Man named Secretary of Labor.

Day 70: Gun control legislation passed.

Day 85: Everyone who said Oprah shouldn’t be president regrets it.

Day 86: All news agencies banned except O Magazine.

Day 87: They stop regretting it.

Day 90: Net Neutrality listed as one of Oprah’s Favorite Things.

Day 91: They’re okay with it again.

Day 99: Oprah says beef is bad.

Day 100: Dr. Phil named the leader of America’s newest spin-off: The Confederacy.

 

 




Scott Seiss

Author: Scott Seiss

Scott is a comedy writer/performer based in Baltimore, Maryland. He's studied comedy writing at The Second City training center and recently opened for Bo Burnham. You can check out more from him at scottseiss.com. Be warned, though, he's one of those people that prefers unfrosted Pop-Tarts.

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