I Really Wish I Hadn’t Silently Hawked Up a Loogie Right Before You Went in for a Kiss

Couple Kissing

I tried Mucinex, but could still feel slime inching its way down the back of my throat in a way that calls to mind the drippy descent of Nickelodeon Gak down a wall. I could wallpaper George Clooney’s ego with the amount of balled-up unused tissues I’m carrying around in my whimsically fun (but SUPER functional) Betsey Johnson hobo bag, and I could wallpaper Trump’s with all the ones that have the corner rolled to a point to coax massive, stringy sneezes out from my inflamed sinuses.

I thought I’d managed to pull it together, though – at least long enough to try and forget the war within my nasal cavities, and make it through this date without visible signs of my disgusting bodily functions. But the beast crept down, down, down, further and further towards my uvula, and in a desperate spit-or-swallow situation (it’s a lot like fight-or-flight), my body’s first reaction was to expel the blob by silently sucking it into my mouth, and spitting it in one of the George Clooney Kleenexes.

With a balled-up tissue at the ready in my sweating palm, I was too nervous you’d notice to really listen to what you were saying, but it seemed best to smile and nod at the time. Now you’re leaning in, and I’m afraid my hesitation will be read as disinterest, or prudishness, and I’m too self-conscious to pretend to be coy, so we’ll just make this a quick peck –

OH NO that’s your tongue – I need to hide this snot-wad somewhere! Under my tongue maybe? Can’t really move my tongue to kiss you back with it there, gotta be stored in a cheek for now. I’m super impressed with how you follow my mouth movements, but this is not the time to play mirror!

Now I have one cheek puffed out like a chipmunk about to hibernate, but I’m determined to not ruin what could be the most romantic, and possibly pivotal, moment of our short relationship together by snowballing a booger-ball into your oral cavity.

You’re easing off – did you feel my gross little secret? Do you know what I’ve been hiding, inches from your tongue? Will you still want to see me after you’ve gotten over the sinus infection I’ve undoubtedly passed on to you in my attempt to seem like a normal person with absolutely NO gross bodily functions?

No signs of horrendous discovery on your face. You sigh happily, and hold my hand tighter.

I smile back, and swallow hard.



Sarah Louisa Burns

Author: Sarah Louisa Burns

Sarah is the writer and director of the upcoming feature film cult classic comedy Uptown Art, and the producer/writer/director (#foreveralone) of the web series True Story. You might also have seen her on late-night cable, typecast as a whore. When she's not writing, she's crocheting internal organs under the name An Optimistic Cynic. Tweet me @UptownArtMovie for some well-curated B.S.

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