Clear Signs a Woman Is Lying About Sexual Assault

Serious Woman

1. She once ordered from the Cheesecake Factory Fit N’ Flirty cocktail menu.

2. She has a generally gregarious personality and can sometimes be seen smiling.

3. She went all in on the matte nail polish trend.

4. She went on one date with my buddy Justin last year and never told him about an assault – not even during dessert.

5. Her voice is louder than the gentle whisper of sycamore trees.

6. She’s really into masculine candle scents like sandalwood.

7. She got caught necking with Chaz Allendorf on the Parkview High School football field in 1991.

8. She’s pursuing a career in entertainment, corporate finance, psychology, education, marketing, criminal justice, retail, medicine, nonprofit development, dog training, forestry, aerial silks, glass recycling, broadcast journalism, craft beer production or blood diamond mining.

9. Midway through sophomore year at Ithaca, she lost a bet and had to wax her pubes into the shape of an exclamation point.

10. She sometimes takes off her T-shirt in Bikram yoga class to reveal her sports bra, immodestly cradling her big ol’ titties.

11. She got drunk on her twenty-first birthday and flossed between her legs with a feather boa shrieking “COME AND GET IT, BITCHES!”

12. Goody Glover once spied her dancing naked in the moonlight, blood trickling from the gaping maw betwixt her legs.

13. She’s a cat person.



Lillian Stone

Author: Lillian Stone

Lillian Stone is a Midwest-based journalist, bitter satirist and Boston Terrier wrangler. Her writing can be found in McSweeney's, Weekly Humorist and several Midwestern lifestyle publications. Follow Lillian on Twitter at @lstone94.

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