GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. – With the clean slate of a brand-new year upon him, local insurance salesman James Crosby has resolved to abandon all of his New Year’s resolutions faster than ever before.
“I know it’s an ambitious goal to simply give up on them by the end of the first week of January,” Crosby said. “But it’s a new year, I’m energized, and I’m confident I can do it.”
In December, swept up in the end-of-year hysteria to improve one’s life, Crosby made a long list of resolutions that included more exercise, healthier eating, and finally painting the living room. But in the cold light of the new year’s first day, he decided this year would finally be different.
“Think of the time I’ve wasted in previous years fooling myself that I’d read the newspaper more or stop eating cheese because of what it does to my insides,” he said. “Well, not anymore.”
At press time, Crosby thought better of a trip to the grocery store, instead settling in for an entire box of macaroni and cheese at home, followed up by a five-hour midday nap.