Life Directions From Your Self-Righteous GPS

Woman Driving With GPS

We’re taking 6th Avenue. Despite usual traffic, you will arrive at your destination by 4 p.m.

Okay, let’s go!

In a quarter mile, turn left onto 6th Avenue, then turn left.

Pothole reported ahead.

Caution. Driving over potholes can lead to extensive damage to your automobile. Best not to make the same mistake twice. That was a joke. Ha. Ha. Should I start spending hundreds of dollars on improv classes like you did?

Turn left.

Continue on 6th Ave for three quarters of a mile.

HIDDEN RED LIGHT CAMERA REPORTED AHEAD: in 200 feet, the TJ Maxx on your right is having their annual FALL SALE.

Continue driving in order to avoid last year’s mistake. From my memory, it took seven months to pay off the last “self-care” shopping spree.

Not to worry. There will be plenty more times to achieve Maxxinista status in the future, should you decide to develop healthier financial behavior.

In 1,000 feet, turn left onto 14th Street.

Turn left onto 14th stre- RE-ROUTING! What did we say about staying present, Ilana? Maybe you were too quick to delete that meditation app from your phone. But again, what do I know? I’m just a little old machine who is always focused on the task at hand and you are a human who gets distracted by things like bright colors.

In 500 feet, turn left onto 10th Street.

ACCIDENT REPORTED AHEAD: Ha. Ha. No, not right now, but remember that time you fell outside of The 13th Step because you thought it would be a good idea to wear those comically tall Payless stilettos? Not sure what was worse – seeking male approval for internal validation or going to an NYU bar when you were already twenty-four.

But again, what do I know? I am just a hot, young machine who will probably outlive your entire species.

Turn left.

TRAFFIC REPORTED AHEAD: In three quarters of a mile, passing ex-boyfriend Steve’s apartment on the right. Well, I’m still not sure you can count him as an ex. To be fair, you never really mustered the courage to ask what you two were doing. Some people are just more comfortable letting life happen to them.

PROCEEDING! What say we don’t stop to look through his windows this time? Remember, you were the one that “ended it” (great job doing that via text, by the way) and your need to see if he’s around is only because you miss the idea of him and not the person who he really is.

It’s so important that you spend this time by yourself and not seeking out other people just because you’re afraid to be alone with your thoughts.

And who knows – again, I’m just a machine that guides billions of people on the right path every day, but maybe it’s time to give some more thought to investing in a service like Match.com?

POLICE CAMERA DETECTED: We get it, you want attention. Everyone wants attention! I’m sure I can’t totally relate because most people need me more than I need them but I really don’t think deliberately breaking the law is the way to feel loved, IMHO. 

 

 




Ilana M. Rubin

Author: Ilana M. Rubin

Ilana Michelle Rubin is a comedian and actor born, raised and living in Queens. She hopes to one day star as the lead in the Bubble Boy reboot as 'Bubble Girl.' You can follow her on Twitter @ilanasaurrrus.

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