The Best Sledgehammer and Tire Workouts

Sledgehammer Tire Workout

What you will need:

A sledgehammer

An old tire placed on its side

An overwhelming sense of rage

 

Workout #1

1. Carefully grip sledgehammer

2. Stand approximately 12 to 18 inches from tire

3. Assume a staggered stance, with one foot slightly in front of the other

4. Swing sledgehammer at tire

5. Repeat until red haze lifts from the world

 

Workout #2

1. Grab sledgehammer

2. Hit tire with it

3. Repeat until you reach an acceptable level of muscle fatigue and/or
imaginary vengeance

4. Glance around nervously to make sure no one saw you

5. Perform five minutes of cool-down exercises

 

Workout #3

1. See that sledgehammer? Pick it up

2. Slam it down on that tire

3. Repeat until your entire body cramps up and you crumple to the ground,
exhausted

4. Vow that the tire will not win

5. Resume hitting tire in your mind until your brain also begins to cramp

6. Have a protein shake

 

Workout #4

1. Hold sledgehammer threateningly

2. Glare at tire

3. Pause

4. Slow your breathing

5. Control your emotions

6. Decide to be the bigger man

7. Set sledgehammer down

8. Just walk away

 

Workout #5

1. Grip sledgehammer

2. Decide who tire represents

3. Try talking to tire instead

4. It’s possible this entire thing was simply a misunderstanding

5. Nope. You were right the first time

6. Swing away

 

Workout #6

1. Suddenly wake from a black fog and realize you’re pummeling a tire with
a sledgehammer

2. Wait. Is it only a tire, or is it…?

3. Yes. Just a tire. Phew. That was scary for a second.

4. Continue pummeling tire until sledgehammer or spine cracks in half

 

Workout #7

1. Swing sledgehammer

2. Hit tire

3. Begin to wonder if this is an actual exercise or just some bizarre form of
transference masquerading as an exercise

4. Drop sledgehammer and go do something constructive instead, like chopping wood

 

 




Ralph Gamelli

Author: Ralph Gamelli

Ralph Gamelli has written for McSweeney's Internet Tendency and other sites he's too lazy to type right now. He's also written the very first internet author's bio not to include a Twitter link.

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