Exclusive: Donald Trump’s 2017 Letter to Santa

Trump Writing to Santa

Santa,

It’s Donald, Greatest President Ever. But you know that. You have been waiting for my letter all year. You want to help Make America Great Again, I know. But so far, Santa, you have been failing! Everyone knows it. My approval ratings are very low, which is your fault, and you never got rid of journalism like I asked you last year. This was supposed to be the best year ever, but instead it is terrible! You need to fix this!

Because I am a very good president, I will help you fix things so that everything is really great for Trump again. Please do all of the things I say after this. Or else I will be very angry! Wait, okay, after this. Now.

  • Give me more approval ratings. No, ALL the approval ratings! I want the most beautiful approval ratings anyone has ever had!
  • Make Bob Mueller like me so he stops trying to make everyone think Putin helped me win my election.
  • Ask Putin if he will help me be president.
  • Tell General Kelly to let Steve Bannon back into the White House so he can be my friend again.
  • Bring me a new box of crayons, I ran out of my last ones.
  • Get rid of Alabama because they made me look dumb!
  • Some of those Get Out of Jail Free cards from that board game about real estate, which I always win because nobody is a better businessman than Trump. I always win! But I did lose the jail cards so that is why I need more. Not so smart now, are you Mueller!
  • Erase Eric’s memory so that he forgets he is my son. I am tired of seeing him so I would like for him to leave me alone.
  • One of those IV bags you get when you are in the hospital, but have it filled with Diet Coke all the time. Now I can tweet and get Diet Coke at the same time!
  • Let Sean Hannity control all the news so everyone knows how great I am! And I am great, no matter what the Fake News polls say. The greatest of great. Sean knows, which is why he should be Mr. News.
  • Cut taxes for the winners but NOT the losers.
  • Make everyone white, but not in a racist way, because I am not racist! I just like how whites vote for me, which makes them better than non-white people. NOT RACIST!
  • Please take the Nazis off the naughty list, they are fine people. Still not racist!
  • A toy truck. I like trucks and driving the trucks!

Thanks Santa! Together we can MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. You will do most of the work, but tell everyone I did it.

Your Best Friend,

The Donald

 

 




Tim Gaydos

Author: Tim Gaydos

Tim is a contributor for Robot Butt and is not hosting a parasitic xenomorph inside him, so just don't worry about it, ok? You can disagree with his opinions on Twitter @timthinksthings.

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