It’s Donald, Greatest President Ever. But you know that. You have been waiting for my letter all year. You want to help Make America Great Again, I know. But so far, Santa, you have been failing! Everyone knows it. My approval ratings are very low, which is your fault, and you never got rid of journalism like I asked you last year. This was supposed to be the best year ever, but instead it is terrible! You need to fix this!
Because I am a very good president, I will help you fix things so that everything is really great for Trump again. Please do all of the things I say after this. Or else I will be very angry! Wait, okay, after this. Now.
- Give me more approval ratings. No, ALL the approval ratings! I want the most beautiful approval ratings anyone has ever had!
- Make Bob Mueller like me so he stops trying to make everyone think Putin helped me win my election.
- Ask Putin if he will help me be president.
- Tell General Kelly to let Steve Bannon back into the White House so he can be my friend again.
- Bring me a new box of crayons, I ran out of my last ones.
- Get rid of Alabama because they made me look dumb!
- Some of those Get Out of Jail Free cards from that board game about real estate, which I always win because nobody is a better businessman than Trump. I always win! But I did lose the jail cards so that is why I need more. Not so smart now, are you Mueller!
- Erase Eric’s memory so that he forgets he is my son. I am tired of seeing him so I would like for him to leave me alone.
- One of those IV bags you get when you are in the hospital, but have it filled with Diet Coke all the time. Now I can tweet and get Diet Coke at the same time!
- Let Sean Hannity control all the news so everyone knows how great I am! And I am great, no matter what the Fake News polls say. The greatest of great. Sean knows, which is why he should be Mr. News.
- Cut taxes for the winners but NOT the losers.
- Make everyone white, but not in a racist way, because I am not racist! I just like how whites vote for me, which makes them better than non-white people. NOT RACIST!
- Please take the Nazis off the naughty list, they are fine people. Still not racist!
- A toy truck. I like trucks and driving the trucks!
Thanks Santa! Together we can MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. You will do most of the work, but tell everyone I did it.
Your Best Friend,