Cure Your Diabetes With the Power of the Blockchain

Blockchain

Diabetes runs in my family. My mother has it. My grandmother had it. Chances are good that if I keep drinking carbonated corn syrup through a Twizzler for breakfast I’m going to get diabetes too. I’m not worried though because I’m a tech-savvy problem solver.

You might have heard of this new technology called the blockchain. What does it do? No one really knows. That’s not important. What matters is that it is really new and really high-tech. So I came up with a solution to this whole diabetes problem: cure it with the blockchain!

I’ve been following David Avocado Wolfe on Facebook and he’s taught me a lot. For example, did you know gravity is a toxin? And not just the Sandra Bullock movie, but also the natural force of attraction between bodies of mass. I’m still a little confused by how something natural can be a toxin, but I’m sure I’ll understand it after just a few more blue butterfly powder smoothies.

The most important thing that I’ve learned from Wolfe is that we don’t need “Western medicine” to cure anything. Don’t listen to the propaganda; we can make up cures for anything out of thin air, and they will work. All that “scientific testing” that the FDA requires is just The Man™ trying to prop up the pharmaceutical industry by making them spend millions of dollars on needless red tape.

Now, surely if anyone could just make up a cure for diabetes it would have happened already. You’d think so, wouldn’t you? But this is where the blockchain comes in. You see, the blockchain is new, and so it couldn’t have cured anything until very recently. I don’t want to get into all the technical details but trust me, it works.

If you catch diabetes, just take three doses of blockchain every day for at least a week. You can just rub it into your skin, take it as a suppository or consume it as a tincture, which is my preferred method. It pairs well with green tea or raspberry vodka. The important thing is that you use at least three blockchains every day.

If you’ve read this far I’m sure I don’t have to tell you the importance of sourcing your blockchain locally. Locally produced blockchain will be more effective at filtering out the diabetes toxins that are specific to your city’s pollution. You can get it at most farmers markets, usually right next to the essential oils. Remember, always buy organic.

 

 




Edward Ellsworth

Author: Edward Ellsworth

Edward is an editor at bullshit.ist, the co-creator of The Black Suit of Death comic book series and NOT a shill for the Illuminati. He's also married to a cyborg. You can stalk him on Twitter @Erellsworth or read his blog at erellsworth.com.

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