Tinder Profiles of Hipster Elf on the Shelf Knockoffs

Elf on the Shelf

The Elves on the Shelves may get all the attention, but don’t forget these little creatures who are looking for love, too:

The Elf by Himself: Quit my last job because I refused to be complicit in Big Santa spying on young children. Currently working on an exposé of the Tooth Fairy. Looking to connect with like-minded whistle-blowers.

The Gnome in the Tiny Home: Whether I’m tucked in the dresser that doubles as a staircase or hanging from one of the vintage cloth-covered wire Edison bulbs, it won’t take long to find me.

The Pixie in Poughkeepsie: Possibly manic; definitely a dream girl. Seeking lumbersexual with well-groomed facial hair. However, I only date people in the Hudson Valley (Albany doesn’t count) who moved here from Brooklyn.

The Urchin Who’s Searchin’: Searching for you and your progressive political leanings, that is.

The Tyke on a Bike: More mature than my name suggests. I look good in Lycra. Check out this pic of my fixie. #nobrakes

The Leprechaun Sine Qua Non: Swipe right and carpe diem.

The Enchanter With a Decanter: I like my romantic partners the same way I like my wine: full-bodied and given a chance to breathe before we get started.

The Puck in the Truck: Put me in any position you want in that big, beautiful rig.

The Gremlin From the Kremlin: New in town. Looking to connect. DC area. Must be discreet.

The Sprite With a Light: Wordsmith, poet, old-soul creative type. Currently seeking a new muse. Preferably with a weed supply. Or clove cigarettes.

The Goblin for the Maudlin: On Saturday night, I like to listen to Bon Iver and revisit all my past relationships while drinking craft bourbon.

The Scamp With the Tramp Stamp: Not to spoil the surprise, but it’s a Murakami reference. Come check it out for yourself.

The Brownie Who’s a Townie: Never moved out of state? Me neither! Let’s get together and role play moments from Senior Prom.

The Minx in the Drinks: Hiding in a bar cart near you.

The Genie With a Teeny Weenie: Wrongly labeled by Parents.com as “inappropriate for children.” Trying to rehabilitate my image to appeal to adults. I may need a new marketing strategy.

The Fairy Who’s Allergic to Dairy: As long as you don’t put me anywhere near yogurt or cheese, I’m fine. I’m still waiting for my gluten test to come back, so keep me away from bread. I have a quinoa intolerance and react badly to legumes. Seeking partner with similar dietary restrictions.

The Imp With a Pimp: Sorry, this account has been suspended.



Sue Gelber

Author: Sue Gelber

Sue D. Gelber is a New Englander turned Chicagoan now living in Colorado, although she does not own a cowboy hat. She recently switched to decaf, so it's best to avoid encountering her in person, but you can find her on Twitter at @suegelber.

Share This Post On