Practice Mindfulness With These Fucking Mantras

Woman practicing mindfulness yoga

Women’s lives are fraught with the usual sources of anxiety: competing in an unfair work environment, meeting the demands of family, and finding the time to pluck errant brow hairs all compete to upset the fragile mind/body balance. Fortunately, self-talk has the power to make your aura glow just like those plastic stars you had on your ceiling when you were a teenager. Get your third eye woke with these transformative mantras!

1. “Shut the fuck up.” This one is perfect for when that guy from accounting interrupts you to explain the concept of “mansplaining.” As the bitter irony quickens your pulse, silently say to yourself, “Shut the fuck up.” Tranquility will soon flow through your veins like that sacred river your yoga teacher mentioned in class last week.

2. “They can eat a shit sandwich.” The world is cruel. No one cares about your college debt or that you can’t afford the latest Birkin bag. Perhaps they judge you because you don’t wear designer clothes or because you still have an AOL account. Stop worrying and remind yourself: “They can eat a shit sandwich.” To center yourself, you can also visualize them eating a shit sandwich. This will help you find inner peace.

3. Pose: Half of a Peace Sign. For this moving mantra, begin by carefully bringing awareness to your hand. Fold your thumb, index finger, ring finger, and pinky towards your palm. Your ring and pinky fingers should be poised just above your Line of Life. Stretch your Finger of Saturn upward and breathe in; hold your breath for a count of five, stretch your finger towards the Heavens, then release.

4. “They can all go fuck themselves.” Dreading an upcoming presentation to the board? Wondering why Eddy hasn’t returned your texts? Afraid the preschool teacher is going to call DHHS because you accidentally packed a flask in your son’s lunchbox? Take a deep breath and tell yourself, “They can all go fuck themselves.” As you repeat these words inwardly, you will feel serenity trickling down each of your chakras just like trickle-down economics, except that it came from your brain and not Ronald Reagan.

5. “Fuck this.” The photocopier has broken down again, and of course it is in no one’s job description to fix it, so it just sits there like a giant plastic box with buttons on it. Now is the time to intone, “Fuck this.” Exhale: “Fuck this.” As your breath moves in and out of your body, once more say, “Fuck this.” Your spirit will separate itself from your corporeal form. You will rise above the stuffy office. You will see the empty shell of yourself below, futilely trying to clear yet another printing jam. Watch this without judgement as you hover just under the fluorescent lights, close enough to push aside one of those shitty ceiling tiles and see what’s underneath: a tangle of dusty wires. Inhale deeply. This is what it means to transcend.

 

 




Shana Genre

Author: Shana Genre

Shana Genre reads, writes, and occasionally parents in Portland, Maine. Read more of her writing at McSweeney's, Mock Mom, and Portlandish: Satire and Humor from the First Portland.

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