Battles in the War on Christmas I Won While Running Errands

Proud Woman

The Walgreens War

The cashier initially refused to print CHRISTmas on my card order. I prayed for her. For thirty minutes. She gave in. The fifteen people in line behind me all cheered my victory.

The Battle of Bergdorf’s

The bra fitter waited on her Jewish friends first. I reminded her my strapless bra needs are for a Christmas party. Who needs a strapless bra for a Hanukkah party? The answer: no one.

The Santa Standoff

A very rude Santa was ringing a loud bell AND asking for money in a bucket outside of Whole Foods. There was no nativity in front of the store. I reported the Santa for solicitation and the store for not representing the true meaning of Christmas. I called when I got home so my organic, non-GMO, peanut-free ice cream for the party wouldn’t melt.

Post Office Crusade

I reluctantly left my gun in my glove box at the post office. I needed stamps to mail my Christmas cards but I know the post office is just a front for the gun-stealing government. Unarmed, I still managed to win my crusade to buy Christmas stamps, but not the ones with Mary (way too Catholic).

Costco Combat Zone

When you invite 465 of your closest friends for a Christmas Bible Study and Jesus Birthday Evening Soiree, you NEED bulk party goods. Moms with a baby and a toddler and a kid (who should be at school) have time to wait in line. They also have time to eat greasy pizza on the way out. I flashed my official Etsy Christmas War medals and got in front of six greasy babies and moms.

Church Campaign

I thought I saw a Muslim in my very own church. I spoke to the pastor about the no-headcovering rule I added to the church mission statement. Turns out it was a visitor going through cancer treatments. I prayed for her.

The DMV Deportation Dispute

I knew instinctively the woman in front of me was in the US illegally. She was speaking another language. I reported her to the security guard. I also asked her to please go to the immigration office to sort out her citizenship. I don’t want her to be deported before Christmas but we have to do what we have to do in this war.

– Susie P. Christian



Amy Barnes

Author: Amy Barnes

Amy Barnes has written for a range of publications including McSweeney's, Crixeo, The Higgs Weldon, The Cooper Review, The Giggle Guide, Gayot, Parabola, Everyday Health, and Stone Soup Magazine. She has one husband, two kids and two dogs who both inspire and hinder her writing.

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