Christmas is just around the corner, which means it’s time to figure out what presents to get the loved ones in your life. But what do you get them? You’re cash-strapped, and they are asking for things that aren’t feasible as gifts, like having all their student loans paid for or getting a new president.
But fear not! Help is here in the form of this handy list, which can help you navigate the gap between what your friends and family want and what you can realistically give them.
What They Want: iPhone X
What You Can Get Them: A lighter
If they think so little of money that they are cool with anyone dropping $1,000 for a phone, they’ll be fine just lighting said money on fire. Also, the lighter can’t learn to recognize faces and become an AI mobile version of a Faceless Man, so you are also giving the gift of preventing a high-tech dystopia.
What They Want: Nintendo Switch
What You Can Get Them: Download Super Mario Run and let them borrow your phone for an hour
The Switch is fairly inexpensive by game counsel standards, but good luck tracking one down. And if you do, it will most likely be a “bundle” priced a couple hundred bucks higher for the added perk of getting a bunch of unsellable ThinkGeek merchandise. Just let them play Super Mario Run for a while. It’s a disappointing mobile game, but it comes with the extra gift of learning how unfair life is.
What They Want: Amazon Echo
What You Can Get Them: A Peeping Tom
At its core, the Echo spies on you in your home and uses that info to suggest things you should buy. This can also be accomplished by finding a homeless person, letting him stay in your home, and having him go buy things when they hear you mention them. You save money by just offering them room and board, and it’s possibly charity!
What They Want: A living wage
What You Can Get Them: A lottery ticket
At this point, your chances of ending up with a decent job with actual benefits are just as bad as winning the Mega Millions jackpot. While you may not be able to do anything about the economy, you can try and increase their chances of not living in poverty one $3 ticket at a time. Every little bit helps!
What They Want: To send their kids to college
What You Can Get Them: Bill Nye the Science Guy on DVD
College just keeps getting more and more expensive. But you know what has remained consistent? The price of DVDs. Give your breeding friends the entire collection of Bill Nye’s wisdom so they can just sit their kids in front of the TV to learn about The Science. Talk about a resume builder!
What They Want: To Make America Great Again
What You Can Get Them: The Birth of a Nation on DVD
Let’s keep digging around in that DVD bin, shall we? Clearly your family member is not happy with the direction in which the country has gone. While you have no control over political policies, you can provide your uncle I’m assuming an escape to a version of America where racism wins the day. This doubles as a method to keep them enthralled and not voting for pedophiles in Senate races. Merry Christmas, America!