MONTGOMERY, Ala. – Following the stunning upset by Democrat Doug Jones in last night’s special Senate election, Alabamians announced to the nation that no one was more shocked at the outcome than them.
“Look, on the one hand we had a racist, sexist, homophobic child molester, and on the other a Democrat. This should have been a landslide,” said Grove Hill resident Bill Shepherd. “What the hell happened?”
Though Roy Moore had been pegged as an early favorite in the race, he faced significant challenges in recent weeks including numerous sexual abuse allegations, the troubling emergence of a conscience among some voters, and the Washington Post’s discovery of a green, viscous slimetrail that Moore emitted everywhere he went.
Nevertheless, in recent days Moore was still projected to win, as he’d held onto key Alabama constituencies, namely men who have Yosemite Sam mudflaps, female Bill Cosby fans, and Republicans.
“I just don’t get it,” said Odenville waitress June Carson. “Moore was clearly the worst man for the job. How could he lose?”
Alabama voters, though, aren’t the only ones struggling with the outcome. Campaign insiders have reported that Moore himself has been “despondent” following the defeat, with the candidate taking to drink and this morning sitting motionless on his horse in the middle of a local Chuck E. Cheese’s.