Six Foolproof Ways to Tell If Your Beautiful Wife Is Actually Just a Cactus


1. She never makes any effort to talk to your friends because she spends all day sitting around the house using the stored water in her succulent stems to undergo photosynthesis:

It’s weird, you know? It’s like every time your friends are around, the only thing she wants to do is sit by on the windowsill and gently lean towards the direction of the sun. She just lounges around all day taking in carbon dioxide, water, and sunlight, then uses a complex chemical reaction to create carbohydrates, sugar, and oxygen. Like can you at least make a LITTLE small talk? How about asking my friends how their day was?!

2. Your wife never wants to wear any of the dazzling dresses you buy her because only wears her dirty old ceramic pot:

Last week, you spent $800 buying your wife that elegant blue sequin dress that perfectly complements her majestic green hair, but when you ask her to try it on, she NEVER does. She just sits and stares at you while wearing her dirty old ceramic pot! GEE WIZ! Talk about being difficult! Now, sometimes the people you love are difficult and stubborn and you have to work to find common ground, but if your hot hot hot wife doesn’t even bother getting out of her dirty old ceramic pot, it might be something else. It could be that your wife can’t wear a dress, because she’s a cactus.

3. Now that you think about it, she’s never shown much affection towards you and it hurts real bad to kiss her sharp needles:

You’re an affectionate husband and you’ve always splurged on the finer things for your one and only. Every Valentine’s Day for the past five years, you’ve bought your dazzlingly attractive wife a box of chocolates and a surprise barbershop quartet to publicly pronounce your love, although now that you think about it, she never really did respond to your grand gestures with any affection whatsoever. It’s like she didn’t even notice that they were singing to her. Even worse, when you sneak a smooch, her sharp needles make your face bleed real bad.

4. Your wife REFUSES to eat any of the wonderful meals you cook her because she only drinks water like once a week:

You get it; to keep a bod that rockin’ hot you have to stick to very strict diets. So you adjust and make her healthy meals like gluten-free Asian ramen noodles and salmon and rice, but when you tell her it’s dinner time, she doesn’t touch any of it! The only thing that she does consume is plain old water and that’s like once a week! Water? Gross! I know it’s frustrating, but try stepping back, taking a deep breath and looking at the situation from a different angle, cause it’s not her fault that she’s a cactus.

5. It seems like your wife isn’t physically capable of answering your text messages:

Take my advice on this one boys, communication is the key for any successful relationship. Having a beautiful wife means guys are going to try to buy her drinks and aggressively flirt with her ALL OF THE TIME. When you have an extraordinarily attractive wife you need to make sure to have an active discourse about monogamy. If she isn’t responding to your texts, it could be possible that she isn’t being as faithful as she says she is. You need to be firm and tell her that communication is a two-way street. Or you could just be married to a cactus and cacti can’t use cell phones.

6. Her favorite movie is Mad Max: Fury Road:

Take a hint dude, it’s like hot steamy porno for cacti.



Luke Schneider

Author: Luke Schneider

Luke Schneider lives in Chicago and can touch rim on a ten-foot basketball hoop no problem. Follow him on Twitter @theschneider2.

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