LONDON – The wait is over! Famed chocolatier and Warden of the 9th Interdimensional Rift Willy Wonka has at last selected his newest child vessel, with the honor going to one Dylan Mullaney of Grand Rapids, Michigan!
As is customary, a plume of blood-red smoke billowed from the Wonka factory today indicating that a new, unblemished soul-cask had been chosen to host Mr. Wonka’s immortal essence.
The selection of Mullaney had long been predicted. Analysts and those closest with Willy Wonka – whose true name best translates in a human tongue to “Kol-chil’tra” – had been claiming for months that Mullaney was the only “pure” choice.
“This really comes as no surprise,” said rival candy maker and fellow bloodsprite Arthur Slugworth. “Young Dylan has all the hallmarks of a Wonka selectee – boyish good looks, trim frame, and, of course, an absolutely delectable naiveté. Why, if I hadn’t obtained a vessel a few years ago I might have had an eye on him myself.”
Despite Mr. Slugworth’s tongue-in-cheek claim, child vessels are chosen in a rigorous selection process tailored to match each individual. Mullaney’s bone structure was deemed fitting for absorbing Mr. Wonka’s facial features, which will soon be adopted following the Skin Harvest.
Wonka fans will recall Charlie Bucket, the previous child vessel, whose appearance morphed gradually, but inevitably, over time.
In fact, Mr. Wonka was so taken with Bucket’s form that he opted to remain in it past the customary twenty-five cycles, not selecting his new form for a full forty-six years. Lucky Dylan!
But it’s not all good news, unfortunately. Remember that this is Mr. Wonka’s eleventh renewal. The scholars among us will recall that Chancellor Zydrex’s sacred writings in the See’eeeemn To-Axsica indicate all fleshprophets only receive twelve renewals prior to the Galactic Reckoning, so events like today are getting rarer all the time!
Little Dylan isn’t worrying about that right now, though. He was all smiles when his procession of Oom’P’ahh Lo’oom-Paaahs led him by the tentacle to the anxious reporters waiting outside the factory gates.
Asked if he feels any different by one intrepid reporter, the child vessel opened his mouth, extended his proboscis, and responded with a playful, “KkkkeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.”