WASHINGTON – Confirming Congress’s long-held theories about the country, a startling new study released today by researchers at the National Rifle Association show that the U.S. is only “a few weapons purchases away” from eliminating gun violence nationwide.
The 400-page study presents evidence that the nation would be a “veritable utopia” if not for the few remaining Americans, all mentioned by name, that “inexplicably don’t want to be strapped head-to-toe in the latest, most powerful firearms and tactical gear.”
“Our research determines conclusively that the nation today is tantalizingly close to eradicating homicides, armed robberies, and mass-shootings,” said study co-author and NRA president Wayne LaPierre. “Only when every American holds two pistols at the ready at all times and is draped in four bandoliers will we finally be safe.”
LaPierre added, “But who knows, maybe not even then.”