Welcome to Neckbeards Anonymous

Neckbeard

Are you a neckbeard? Of course you’re not. But you might know one.

Does he want to change his lifestyle? Of course he doesn’t. But he might know someone who does.

Tell that guy that that guy you know knows about Neckbeards Anonymous, a support group for men who know they should know better. We have weekly meetings where we discuss our issues, our setbacks, and our sexually progressive success stories. Informal, nurturing, buddy buddy.

Most support groups have a twelve-step program. But we needed one more step to make up for the way we acted in our gen-ed Gender Studies class freshman year.

Step 1: Admit that you tend to be a passive-aggressive dick towards women.

Step 2: Understand that you can become less sexist if you put yourself into women’s shoes. Unless you’re a foot fetishist. Then understand that you can be less sexist if you put yourself into women’s souls. S-o-u-l.

Step 3: Strive to be rational, realistic, and not at all rapey when dealing with members of the opposite sex.

Step 4: Analyze all of your interactions, in real life and on social media, for signs of misogyny and/or the aroma of dick pics.

Steps 5 through 7 are all God stuff. So we’ll skip them for now because you get the basic idea. You’re a member of Western civilization, after all. Aren’t you?*

Step 8: Make a list of all the women you may have offended, hurt, or spoken poorly of behind their butts. Backs, I meant to say backs.

Step 9: Apologize to any such woman, and not in that oh-I’m-sorry-you-couldn’t-take-that-realness-I-just-dropped on-you-bitch way.

Step 10: Continue to pay attention to how your innate fear of pointy-nosed witches influences your perception and your stake whittling ways.

Step 11: Carry this method of self-control and awakening to any neckbeard that you meet, whether it’s along the walls at parties, in the comments section of YouTube, or at your workplace sexual harassment seminar.

Step 12: Call your mother sometime.

Step 13: Destroy the patriarchy, rebuild society (the thirteenth step is the most ambitious of the thirteen steps).

Our organization can help you help yourself not look like such a creep all the time. We’re here to listen and tell you what did wrong. It probably involved a Facebook post.

Neckbeards Anonymous is not a cult. We’re a cultivation.

 

*Neckbeards Anonymous is not properly prepared to deal with the cultural relativism and/or imperial ramifications inherent in analyzing gender relations in that Whole Other Hemisphere.

 

 




Lee Blevins

Author: Lee Blevins

Lee Blevins lives in Lexington, KY. You can follow him on twitter @BleeSevens or visit his sad, bare-bones website byleeblevins.com.

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