Recently, reports started circulating that White House staffers are now afraid their colleagues might be wearing wires to record conversations and turn them into the Robert Mueller investigation. The bad news for the White House staff is they’re right.
But their bad news is your good news, as Robot Butt has gained access to some of these recordings to provide you with insights into the Trump White House:
Attorney General Jeff Sessions: You wanted to see me, Mr. President?
President Donald Trump: Jeff, I want a cookie. Bring me one of your magic elf cookies.
Sessions: Sir, please, I’ve told you before I find that offen-
Trump: Make it a Fudge Stripe. Bring me a plate of them.
*10 seconds of silence*
Sessions: Yes, Mr. President
Trump: And when you bring them say they’re “magically delicious.”
Sessions: Mr. President, those are Lucky Charms and he isn’t an el-
Trump: Also I want milk. A big glass. The most beautiful glass of milk anybody’s ever seen.
Trump: (muffled from other side of door) Can you believe these ungrateful athletes? They should be forced to stand for the anthem!
Chief of Staff Gen. John Kelly: Sir, we’ve talked about this. Don’t stream things when you are on the toilet. One of these days you’re going to drop your phone in the toilet.
Trump: (inaudible) No I won’t!
Gen. Kelly: What was that?
Trump: Nothing, it was nothing!
Gen. Kelly: We should really start formulating a plan to tackle tax reform.
Trump: That’s a great idea. What if I held a campaign rally in Missouri?
Gen. Kelly: Well, yes, you could use that to stump for reform.
Trump: Stumped? I’m not stumped! I am very smart, hugely.
Gen. Kelly: No Mr. President, I meant stump as in drum up support.
Trump: I love drums! I should bring a drum with me to bang on while I make fun of losers!
*20 seconds of silence*
Gen. Kelly: Sharon, can you please put an order in for drums?
Trump: The fake news media just reports on bad things! Why aren’t they reporting on all the good things I’ve done?
*30 seconds of silence*
Trump: I miss Steve.