FRANKFORT, Ky. – During an announcement of a new tariff on foreign sugar imports at Sweet Tooth Candy Factory today, President Trump found himself stuck in an industrial chocolate extraction and transportation pipe.
“We’re going to fight to get more jobs and better paying jobs for the loyal citizens of…um…,” Trump began to say to the assembled factory workers before spotting the factory’s open-top chocolate processing vat and licking his lips. He then excused himself from stage, explaining that he “just had to take a quick sample of that elegant, delicious…mouthwatering…..swirling, swirling, swirling American chocolate.”
Workers on the scene reported that the president’s eyes glazed over as he climbed the stairs to the tall metal vat where he began to reach a trembling hand in before plant supervisor, Joe Tyler, caught his arm and warned of the powerful suction at the bottom of the vat.
According to presidential aides, President Trump suddenly came to his senses, glancing around as if he didn’t recognize where he was. He then chuckled and briefly explained that he was “just testing the amazing safety protocols around [the factory.] Believe me.”
Going on to say he’d love a tour of the rest of the plant, he motioned for Tyler to lead the way back to the main floor. But just as Tyler turned to go, President Trump, showing a speed surprising for his age, spun around, took two running steps and leapt headfirst into the chocolate vat. He was quickly sucked to the bottom and up through the factory piping.
Chief of Staff Gen. John Kelly was on scene and quickly took charge of rescue efforts, later explaining that they were “prepared for this possibility.”