15 Motivational MoviePass Mantras


1. Today is the day your MoviePass card arrives.

2. The universe intended for your MoviePass card to be delivered tomorrow.

3. Or Friday. Your MoviePass will surely be waiting for you by Friday.

4. Next Friday.

5. Saturday your MoviePass will arrive. You will see Blade Runner 2049 with Denise. The money you save on your ticket will allow you to purchase enough popcorn to be considered desirable.

6. You were strong enough to get this far into November without a MoviePass. You are strong enough to keep going.

7. Pressing your face against the glass door of a movie theater and moaning loudly will accelerate the arrival of your MoviePass card. Hopefully before Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

8. Wait a minute, is that Denise…in line with Franklin? Do they both have MoviePasses? Am I the only one without MoviePass?

9. You are not the only person without a delivered MoviePass card. Thousands complain to MoviePass daily via Twitter. They deserve their cards by Valentine’s Day, just as you deserve yours.

10. Let’s not forget the MoviePass people sent an email back in August 2017 explaining that the delivery of your card would be delayed. So it’s no surprise it hasn’t arrived by spring 2018.

11. You are bound to have your MoviePass in time for Untitled Spider Man Sequel.

12. Do not rush things that need time to grow. In other mantra news, guess what came in the mail today? Denise and Franklin’s save the date.

13. MoviePass is doing the best it can. You’re doing the best you can. Denise and Franklin are pleased to invite you to their baby shower.

14. Denise has given birth to a beautiful boy named MoviePass, to carry on its spirit.

15. It never gets easier, you just get better. Also there’s a very real possibility that you may not have submitted the proper mailing address on your MoviePass application.



David Henne

Author: David Henne

David Henne is a long-time contributor to McSweeney's and Splitsider. He lives and works in Long Island, New York. He's the one in the green jacket.

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