The Humanoid Bachelorette

Humanoid Robot

Tonight at 10:00 PM on the Elon Musk Network

Celebrity robot Dita Andromeda, from New York, has kissed many an amphibian-bot in her day, but is still looking for a Prince Charming with superior performance to call her own. From eight contestants to the final three, she’s put these androids through a gauntlet, determined to find a mate that embodies the human equivalence of wit and a high-quality CPU.

Here’s a recap of last week’s episode:

Chad-droid 8.0 was off to a good start. Dita was so enraptured with him that the date started out with a greasy, private moment that we recorded from behind the battery disposal bin:

“MMM”

(WHIRRING SOUND)

(METALLIC GIGGLE)

Despite the date’s early success, Chad ultimately embarrassed himself while dining with Dita at the RAM Cellar.

“I thought I had the right calculation to really nail that joke, but it was a dud,” Chad said. “I hear women like men with a sense of humor. I couldn’t hack it when she started quizzing me on pop culture references, which just points out that I really need an upgrade. I even told her I’d be a slave for her if she chose me, you know, romantically speaking, but unfortunately, ‘slave’ is one of her trigger words, which caused her to punch me in the face repeatedly.”

Ouch! She’s a doozy, fellas. Buh-bye Chad!

Now, for tonight’s episode:

Be the first one to solve the Labyrinth to win her heart! The remaining contestants – Rick-droid 5.2, Harry-bot, and Sir Watson 12.0 Jr – will enter a maze simulation of Dita’s central processing unit! It will be full of tricks, twists, and surprises. Contestants will encounter a few special appearances by her ex boy-droids, as well the manifestation of enemies that represent Dita’s heavy baggage from having a strict engineer as a father.

Here’s what Dita has to say:

“I am full of contradictions, so good luck boys. Riddles of the mind are my favorite pastime, and we’ve made sure my maze simulation will fully reflect the complicated and beautiful creation I am. I’ve been programmed with a classic collection of idiosyncrasies, including, saying ‘I’m fine,’ but not really being fine; knowing what restaurant I want to go to (gotcha! I most certainly don’t); supreme vanity; and materialism. Oh, and there’s absolutely not a secret shortcut with quick access to the finish line for platinum android models with superior data storage (wink, wink).”

Dita’s number one choice will not only win her heart, but a premium CPU upgrade, a five year supply of batteries, as well as an all-expenses-paid trip for two to Elon’s Paradise.

Stay tuned to see who will simulate the human emotion of love the best on The Humanoid Bachelorette!

 

 




Melissa Pelletier

Author: Melissa Pelletier

Melissa is a modern woman from New York who takes no prisoners. She writes educational stuff by day, and weird things by night.

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