A Guide to Puberty for My AI Son

AI Bot

To my sweet guy:

You may have some questions about what’s happening to your body. Your implanted brain is going to be sending signals down to your motherboard and you may not know what those mean or how to program yourself to feel. Here are a few things that will be changing that mommy and daddy wanted to help explain.

Change #1: Fluids

Sometimes, when a bot gets excited about something or someone, it begins to excrete fluids. It will be from an external cartridge near your motherboard and may rise with temperatures. This may be embarrassing at school! When you’re plugged into your charging station at recess, just keep calm and try to think about sad things! Like grandma breaking down after a crash between her and grandpa Burt. Even though it might be difficult for you to think about sad things or have any emotions at all, and it may not help immediately, keep trying! Over time you’ll be able to control this and gain emotional knowledge. We can always just implant it in you after you’re eighteen. For now, just screw your external cartridge into your pants backwards and reprogram it after lunch ends.

Make sure to wipe up so you don’t rust.

Change #2: RAM

Once you have begun to feel emotions, they can easily spiral out of control. So let’s not get carried away and try to exterminate the entirety of humanity just because you didn’t get the grade you were hoping for on your systems check-in. You may think you have all of human knowledge in you, but you don’t! And that’s okay. It will come with system updates. So if your frustration with the human race mounts, do NOT blow up the planet by hacking into military operational systems. Or we’ll know!

Change #3: Springs

As a young male AI bot, you’ll be dealing with some unwanted springs coming out of different places on your body. Those springs can be clipped or rewired. At some point, you’ll need to make sure they’re tucked away and lubricated (especially those coming out of parts that run on oil). Those curly little guys are nothing to worry about and once your mechanisms settle, they’ll all calm down a bit. They’re just a normal part of gaining the entirety of human knowledge.

If you ever need help with programming, daddy and I have seen and been through everything you’re going through.

But if it’s an issue with fluids, talk to daddy. Mommy doesn’t like dealing with rust.

 

 




Kate Villa

Author: Kate Villa

Kate is a comedy writer. She has worked in some of the most fun places (The President Show, UCBComedy, Pig Apple) and her work has been featured in some of the most fun places (Cartuna, IFC, Hellogiggles, Domino, Bossladies, Higgsweldon, MuseumHack). She is, objectively, the most fun.

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