EPA Meeting Notes From the Year 2100

EPA Headquarters

EPA Senior Staff Meeting: February 1, 2100

New Trump Tower, Island of Philadelphia

Chaired by Acting Director in light of recent events.

    • Multiple staff members complained about dangers of travel during the excessive “hell-like” heat that is mysteriously prevalent during the daytime hours of winter. An agreement was reached to hold future meetings via VR.
    • Weather Robots predict imminent flooding along the Ohio and Kentucky coastlines. Evacuation protocols activated. Again. (Note: Weather Robots continue to stubbornly and sassily insist flooding is due to “climate change.” Reprogramming scheduled. Again.)
    • All in attendance were advised that we will be eligible for discounts at the Trump waterfront resorts that will shortly be under construction in Ohio and Kentucky. Exciting!
    • Good news/bad news situation: Alleged “pollution” from the meat industry is expected to decline significantly. Because cows have gone extinct.
    • Despite global economic depression of unparalleled severity, it is reported that several industries are in fact generating record profits: Boats, hazmat suits, and construction of underground doomsday shelters for the mega-rich. Cha-ching!
    • Fake news holograms from rogue scientists, featuring extensive “peer-reviewed data” claiming that humans cause “climate change,” continue to spread via Super Internet. Suggestion was offered to form a joint task force with a team from the Department of True and Sanctioned News to combat this problem.
    • Discussion held on the merits of installing a guardrail outside the window of the EPA Director Office in light of yet another tragedy last week. Twelfth EPA director to inexplicably jump from window in five years. All in attendance agreed this pattern has been poor for morale (budget cuts leave guardrail construction in doubt, however).
    • President Trump, Fourth of His Name, issued memo stating he was inspired by his great-grandfather and inquired about feasibility of using the Southern Wall as a foundation for “building a roof” over the United States to prevent the sun from entering. All present agreed that this was the most brilliant idea ever conceived in human history. One problem: Due to quantity of scientists and engineers imprisoned due to treason, finding designers for this roof may be prove complicated. Quite the quandary.
    • Numerous encounters with “smog monsters” continue to be reported on social media. A statement is to be prepared assuring the citizens of the United States that there are no such things as “smog monsters” and that these sightings are part of an organized hoax.
    • The Director of Anti-Smog Monster Operations reports that the Smog Monster King has refused our overtures for peace. Contingency planning underway.
    • New staff member Jerry suggested that drastic actions should be taken to mitigate the effects of climate change. Awkward silence ensued. Also, he was executed.

 

 




Rick McDermott

Author: Rick McDermott

Rick McDermott is a comedy writer residing in Jersey City, NJ. He's studied sketch writing at the Upright Citizens Brigade, satire writing at Second City, and television writing by wasting a substantial portion of his free time on binge watching.

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