The Essential Antifa Fact Sheet

Antifa

The radical leftist group known as Antifa has featured prominently in the media as of late, but many people are still unclear as to who Antifa are and what they do.  In the interest of properly informing our audience, here are some basic facts about Antifa:

    • “Antifa” comes from the Portuguese word for “trust fund”
    • Antifa members wear masks in solidarity with Americans born without faces
    • The first Antifa-affiliated riot occurred in 2012 outside General Mills headquarters in Minneapolis in an overzealous push to bring back Dunkaroos
    • Prospective Antifa members must pass a quiz on Rage Against The Machine lyrics, break twenty windows in one minute, and perform a kombucha keg stand
    • Antifa secretly communicates and plans under the cover of fan groups dedicated to the CW series Supernatural; social media users are encouraged to report any such pages they may encounter
    • Antifa’s official mascot is a small bird named Emma Goldfinch
    • Antifa uses only fair-trade, eco-friendly accelerants in their Molotov cocktails
    • Each Antifa member has a hex mark on their body where George Soros touched them
    • Antifa is known for appealing to youth by arming themselves with whimsical, cartoony weapons, including boards with nails through them, gigantic knobby clubs, and mallets that open up to reveal boxing gloves on springs
    • As staunch environmentalists, every time Antifa pull down a lamppost, they plant a new one to replace it
    • Antifa’s “black bloc” is comprised of messy eaters who must wear dark colors to hide their stains
    • Antifa is a serious and deadly threat and in no way an overblown boogeyman used to vilify legitimate protest and distract from the reality that the president supports actual Nazis

 

 




Tyler Peterson

Author: Tyler Peterson

Tyler Peterson (www.twpeterson.com) is allegedly a writer. His work has appeared in Cracked, The Agony Booth, and a third publication. He also makes musical noises with The Wych Elm (www.thewychelm.com). Follow him on Twitter (@Vasectomysaurus) if you want your kids back.

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