WASHINGTON – As Congress returns from recess to a packed agenda, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) is already throwing up roadblocks as he vowed not to act on a single piece of legislature until a bill to repeal and replace everything he has done, said or thought for the last fifty years was passed through both chambers and sent on to the President to sign.
“Having spent the last five decades of my life in politics, and after consulting with a number of experts in the field, I know that my constituents and the country at large will be best served by having this house of law scrubbed clean of every last trace of me,” McConnell said.
“Yes sir,” he continued with a growing wistfulness, “As soon as this bill goes through I’ll be twenty-five again, and free to get the hell out of here. This time I’ll do it right. I’ll grab life by the balls and find a way to make a real difference.”
At press time, McConnell was seen polishing a recently purchased Chevy Camaro and closely examining a map of the California coastline.
Early reports indicate the bill is expected to pass and be signed by the President in record time.