They Got Rid of Confederate Statues, So I Became a Confederate Soldier

Confederate Soldier

First they came for my flag, and I said nothing.

Then they came for my culture, and I said nothing.

But when they came for my statues, I became a Confederate soldier.

As a white person, this year has been really hard. Ever since Obama took away my rights, life has been a living hell. When the liberals started calling out the Confederate flags on my property, I was so hurt that I had to defend my Southern culture. Sure, I’ve lived in New Jersey my whole life, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a country girl at heart. Unbelievable.

Then they went after my white power bumper sticker. White power isn’t like, a racist thing okay? I’m just proud of my culture. If there’s a Black History Month, and a gay pride parade, why can’t I be proud to be a white straight woman who is half Irish? They were oppressed too, once. I know struggle.

Then they came after my Confederate soldier statues, and I literally felt like someone murdered my family member. That’s when I knew I had to give up my modern life to suit up in my grey uniform even though it’s totally not my color. I literally bought a musket, and I’ve been camped out in front of a statue of some dead guy I don’t know the name of, trying to protect whatever is left of my Southern heritage. It’s time to defend the South once again, and now everyone’s calling me a racist. It’s like, so unfair.

I mean, sure the Confederacy was all about defending slavery and the right to own human beings, but it’s NOT a race thing, okay???



Kimberly Bollard

Author: Kimberly Bollard

Kimberly Bollard is an aspiring comedian, actress, and writer. When she's not performing in the city with her sketch troupe, Seafood Mayhem, she's likely watching 'Twin Peaks,' writing a screenplay, or loving her cats. Her plays and sketches can be seen on various stages in NYC, and you can catch her pigeon-watching at your nearest park.

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