The American Alt-White College Fall Prospectus


Hey there potential student! Feeling down about all those students of color being accepted over you? Even though you worked hard(ish) through high school and got similar grades? Have no fear, for the newest (basically) Ivy League university has just opened.

The American Alt-White College is a school for white students who are tired of facing discrimination and racism when it comes to university acceptance. College admission is tough on both sides. That just needs to be stated, and if anyone knows discrimination it is the whites.

White students have been going to college for hundreds of years in this country, but all of a sudden every hard-working and dedicated student has started to apply to college (no matter their color!). This increase in applicants has made it so much harder for white students to get in, let alone receive a scholarship for their lack of diversity!

It used to be that there was only a certain type of student who could attend university, but now it is just a free-for-all, and it is making it that much harder for average kids to get into top-notch schools.

At the American Alt-White College, we accept a wide range of students, ranging from pale to tan(ish). The campus is located in stunning and white Austin, Texas, and is littered with beautiful monuments of distinguished men who built this nation, including George Washington and Elvis Presley, both of whom have only ever followed the white right path and were faced with countless battles of discrimination just because they had slaves or “borrowed” from another race’s culture.

These monuments are dedicated to great white men who have helped build America into the greatest nation in the world. It should also be noted that they have been electrified and covered in poison ivy, so that they are protected from the violent alt-left crowds that seem to be building in today’s world.

Our curriculum is also very diverse and offers many degree options. The only courses we don’t offer are those in history. We can’t seem to find an accurate textbook that doesn’t look back on our past with an irrelevant “culturally sensitive lens for today’s world.”

Our courses also offer a variety of field trips, from simple trips to Pier 1 Imports (where you can pick up décor and protesting essentials) to more educational-based excursions to the shooting range.

American whites have had a tough time in the past few decades. First, we gave women the right to vote, and then it seemed like every race, culture, and religion felt like they deserved equal rights. The whites have lost so much throughout the civil rights fad that it’s time we take something back! We have had such a long and prosperous run, we can’t let it end here. It is time to take back our education and our rights as the original Americans. Apply today!*

*Please note that females and homosexuals will of course only be looked at if all the freshmen spots cannot be filled.



Kasadee Allan

Author: Kasadee Allan

Kasadee Allan is a Canadian comedy writer based in rural New Brunswick who has studied at Second City. Her work can be found on the BuzzFeed Community, Twitter, and in her journal, which is definitely NOT a diary. She has also never been accused of smiling too much. You can find her on Twitter @Just_Kas and on her website at

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