National Park Service Unveils Monuments to Facebook Posts From Your High School Friends

National Park Service Canyon

The-I-Was-Playing-With-My-Camera-and-It-Accidentally-Took-This-Flattering-Picture-of-Me Nature Preserve

North-Central New Mexico

The NPS is thrilled to welcome visitors to the hidden gem nestled among the Jemez Mountains that pays homage to the moment when Becky Williams of South Bend, Indiana purportedly dropped her cellular telephone and managed to accidentally capture an uncharacteristically attractive photograph of herself.

The gentle slope of Chicoma Mountain is reminiscent of Williams’ nose in profile, which had, in the past, been described by friends as “hag-like” and “like a graph of Radioshack’s stock prices.” The 1,340-acre preserve plays host to pastures for horseback riding, winding hills for scenic night-hikes, and ponds in which to fish for compliments.

 

The Vaccines-are-Literally-Poison Memorial Square 

Marin, California

Visitors are flocking to this new Golden State staple to catch a glimpse of the peaceful yet evocative memorial that celebrates the momentous occasion when Alex Kellerman alerted his fellow American sheeple to the dangers of vaccinations against disease. After extensive renovations to the memorial we are thrilled to announce that our Nature PlaySpace™ is safe for children of all ages. If you want your child to die a slow, agonizing, natural death you’ll have to take them, for example, to the preschool where Kellerman’s children are actively destroying the possibility of herd immunity.

Guests are invited to observe a moment of silence for lives lost at the hands of vaccine chemicals such as dihydrogen oxide at the picturesque FDR Reflection Pool. Visitors are discouraged from wading in the Reflection Pond out of respect for the fallen. Also, because a particular virulent resurgence of the yellow fever virus has been traced back to the pond. Multiple visitors have submitted complaints such as “we puked out our butts,” “this pond is filled with puke,” and “I will literally inject anything into myself as long as it makes this stop, oh God, here comes the puke again.”

 

The One-Like-Equals-One-Prayer Serenity Grove

Kintla Lake, Montana 

While Yellowstone boasts a volcano capable of blanketing our continent in ash, this nearby tranquil grove memorializes Kimberly Wilkes’ post tapping into an even more powerful force: the Facebook like. Guests are invited to join in on park-sponsored activities such as bird watching, canoeing, and liking a picture of a child with a shaved head and no discernable medical issues – all of which are projected to make equal contributions towards curing cancer.

Editor’s Note: After the recent fire to the Serenity Grove, Elaine Morris, Director of Visitor Relations at the grove, has released a statement saying that while the staff welcomes Facebook likes, shares, vague well-wishes, and fire emojis, the Park Restoration Fund will not accept monetary donations, volunteer hours, or tangible help of any kind.

 

Fort I’m-in-the-Top-19-Percentile-on-This-IQ-Test Canyon

Cumberland, Maryland

“Breathtaking” is just one word that comes to mind when visitors catch a glimpse of this gleaming canyon, whose impressive depth and breadth is rivaled only by the enormous void in some people’s lives that only clickbait quizzes can fill.

The steep, sloping chasm walls are lined with glistening quartzite which is, as a literal rock, only negligibly more dense than Eli Jericho, an Oklahoma native who posted his IQ test results with the caption “can you beat that.” Eighty-one of the population can beat that, Eli, and we here at the National Park Service want you to know that that’s how math works.

F19 Canyon’s Outreach Team (populated entirely by unpaid interns living in a bunker to avoid governmental retribution) recently unveiled their new seamlessly integrated Facebook app. Simply log in on your mobile phone, grant the app permission to retrieve your information (birthday, penis girth, and “derivative” poetry you wrote in college), and post away!

By clicking “ok” you’re allowing the app to do the following on your behalf: post cute bear paw selfies, sign a petition for funding from Congress, and occasionally send poorly lit but earnest amateur pornography to your former youth group.

 

Ultimately, the National Park Service is thrilled to announce the opening of three additional monuments in the coming months: the Definitely-Not-a-Pyramid Scheme Gazebo in Western Kansas, the Game-of-Thrones-Spoiler Reservoir in upstate New York, and the Here-Is-Another-Picture-of-the-Baby-I-Had-With-Your-Prom-Date Battlefields in rural Alaska. We can’t wait to see you in one of our parks soon and look forwa – oh, oh God, is that tear gas? How did they breach the hatch? We take it all back! The National Park Service doesn’t need anymore funding! We are very grateful! Don’t hurt us, we’re only interns!  Hail Trump, hail Trump, hail Trump!

 

 




Clancy Tripp

Author: Clancy Tripp

Clancy Tripp is a humor and creative nonfiction writer, a high school English teacher, and – in the opinion of one Bumble date – “almost too knowledgeable about cults.” She's a Midwest transplant who lives and works in New York City. Follow her on twitter @TheUnrealTripp.

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