With All of the News About Healthcare, Don’t Forget About Me, the Guy Who Said No One Ever Dies From Lack of Healthcare!

Raul Labrador

Hello, Americans! I’m Raúl Labrador, Idaho Republican congressman, member of the House Freedom Caucus, and 2018 gubernatorial candidate. It’s easy to get overwhelmed these days with news headlines, particularly deeply stressful ones about the precarious state of healthcare in our great nation. With so much attention being given to John McCain’s vote on repealing Obamacare after being diagnosed with brain cancer and receiving excellent treatment covered by insurance, I didn’t want anyone to forget what I said at a town hall in May:

“Nobody dies because they don’t have access to health care.”

I know many of you had never heard of me before this event and have forgotten about me in the cacophony since, so I’d like to remind you of my statement and share more of my deepest held beliefs about what people don’t die from in hopes you’ll remember me in 2018:

  • Nobody’s ever been thrown from a car for not wearing a seat belt.
  • Nobody’s drowned because they weren’t wearing a life preserver.
  • Nobody’s lost their life in a plane crash.
  • Nobody’s ever been gruesomely attacked and killed by an alligator, a shark, or any other animal.
  • Nobody’s ever cleaned a gun that accidentally goes off and shatters multiple bones, causing them to bleed out and die.
  • Nobody’s ever been murdered.
  • Nobody’s ever dove into the shallow end of the pool and been paralyzed from the neck down, then later died.
  • Nobody’s gotten their car stuck on train tracks and then been killed by an oncoming train.
  • Nobody’s ever plunged to their death from a roller coaster.
  • Nobody’s ever been ravaged by depression and ended their own life.
  • Nobody’s ever died in a war.

See you at the polls!

Marla Depew

Author: Marla Depew

Marla Depew is a Chicago-based writer and comedian who has performed at venues and festivals throughout the country including Zanies, Laugh Factory, The Second City, The Lincoln Lodge, Paper Machete, Tao Comedy Studio, Broadway Comedy Club, The PIT Loft, Chicago Women’s Funny Festival, and Chicago Sketch Comedy Festival. She writes feminist fan fiction about 'The Bachelor' franchise on the blog Will You Accept This Prose and joined Twitter to tweet about the franchise's ridiculous - and ridiculously entertaining - shows.

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