Chris Christie Stole a Beach, So I Stole an Entire Grocery Aisle of Tampons

Woman With Tampons

New Jersey governor Chris Christie’s blatant abuse of power may have ruined my holiday weekend, but I refused to let his actions ruin my holiday spirit. Sometimes the best revenge is beating the villain at his own game. With every Christie sitting-on-the-beach meme grew my need to avenge this nautical nightmare. That’s why I stole every tampon from the shelves of my local Stop & Shop, because that’ll show him.

The sweet high of tampon theft set my blood aboil. I’m not a klepto, I’m a vigilante. I mean, it’s not like I then went on to rob an entire warehouse full of Diva Cups when my landlord changed the locks on me. And it’s not like I took the metal feminine hygiene dispensers off the bathroom wall at work when that bitch Sherilyn got a raise.

As far as I’m concerned, the end justifies the means, and justice was served for every New Jersey resident. Except for you, Christie.

Now my apartment is littered with Playtex, Tampax, and Kotex, and revenge has never felt so good.



Kimberly Bollard

Author: Kimberly Bollard

Kimberly Bollard is an aspiring comedian, actress, and writer. When she's not performing in the city with her sketch troupe, Seafood Mayhem, she's likely watching 'Twin Peaks,' writing a screenplay, or loving her cats. Her plays and sketches can be seen on various stages in NYC, and you can catch her pigeon-watching at your nearest park.

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