Dear Mitch McConnell: We Can’t Exploit the Poor If You Kill Them

Businessman Looking Out Window

Dear Sen. McConnell,

I am Wilfred Burris, CEO of PayPayPayday Loans, and I am writing because I am worried that while trying to fix Obamacare you will kill what is most dear to me: my company. You see, a side effect of your previously proposed healthcare cuts is a mass extermination of the poor, and we just can’t capitalize on the poor if they are dead. We would lose millions of revenue streams, and PayPayPayday Loans would collapse. So I beg you: please don’t let your war on Obamacare hurt innocent businesses.

It is not just me who stands to lose; the American economy will go to hell along with the poor. Banks will fail since the majority of the deceased default on their loans. Without taking advantage of the poor, debt collectors, credit card companies, and five other billion-dollar industries will have no reason to exist. Furthermore, God forbid, we will have to make our own coffee. The poor are our golden goose, and if you kill them then you will see firsthand that the biggest casualty of a genocide is the businesses.

Exploiting the poor is bigger than just our economy, it is the foundation of America. The Industrial Revolution was fueled by child labor. Most Founding Fathers owned slaves. Lady Liberty demanded, “Give me […] your poor,” and now she owns a torch made of gold. After all the poor have done for America, killing them would not only be rude, it would be unpatriotic.

You may disagree with me and argue that as Americans lose their jobs to robots, a massacre will be necessary to keep the unemployment rate low. Widespread unemployment is a serious concern, but there is a more profitable option than the slaughter of the jobless – we just need to imprison them. This allows them to benefit society by generating revenue for the private prison industry. And as a bonus, an increased incarceration rate means we will have protected society from many dangerous criminals.

You may call me a romantic, but the thought of a nonlethal healthcare plan gives me a beautiful vision for the future. A future where a single mother working three jobs can live long enough to see her children grow up to do the same. A future where a poor man has seventy years’ worth of chances to try to win the lottery. A future where living in poverty isn’t a death sentence – it’s a life sentence.

It could be a beautiful future, I just hope my company lives to see it. Its life is in your hands.


Wilfred Burris



Ben Bond

Author: Ben Bond

Ben Bond is a comedian, writer, and former circus performer from the San Francisco Bay area. For more info, check out his website

Share This Post On