Dear Happy the Hamster:
After an extensive and careful review of your medical history, it was determined that you don’t qualify for insurance due to the following reasons. According to our records, you have completed twelve pregnancies, each resulting in what we determined to be “genetically diseased offspring” since the newborns only lived for forty hours. Your decision to consume their corpses demonstrates high-risk mental health issues. We wish you the best of luck finding both another insurer and the psychiatric help you might need to endure any subsequent pregnancies.
Dear Mama the Chicken:
Your paperwork is being sent back to you. We’ve determined that you’re not a pet, but rather a working animal that isn’t fully aware of her rights. Documents state that your certified organic eggs have been sold to local neighbors. We hope you’ve filled out a W-9. Like most freelancers, your unstable work life often results in subpar coverage or none at all. Please consider getting a job at an established working farm, where you’ll have the potential to get insurance and the possibility of matching 401(k). Best of luck.
Dear Wilde the Cat:
We’re unable to offer you pet insurance due to your preexisting condition. In the twenty-two page questionnaire filled out by your owner, we learned that you once urinated on a futon. Feline urinary incontinence is one of the six hundred preexisting conditions in our database, which resulted in your application being rejected. Please try to keep all future excretions in the litter box.
Dear Fiona the Ferret:
We regret to say that any animal that is illegal in Hawaii, California, Washington D.C. and New York City is too risky for us to cover. Despite living in Illinois, you are unable to be covered under our policy. Please do not waste your time claiming this is a discriminatory practice, we have dealt with this in the past, and have an ironclad legal team.
Dear Molly the Dog:
Due to a strict policy on substance abuse, we’ve rejected your application. Blood work in your medical file suggested a high level of controlled substances. The accompanying notes confirmed your ingestion of 5 mg of Vicodin. Despite your owner’s claims that you unknowingly ate the pill when you found it on the bathroom floor without understanding the consequences, we find the lifestyle that you engage in to be too risky to cover. We are unable to accept any applicants with a history of addiction. I do hope you make more sensible decisions in your future, and if needed, seek out help to enable you to enjoy a drug-free life.
Dear Amigo the Macaw:
Our board-certified and award-winning veterinary team claim that your vocabulary is absent of any English words and consists solely of “hola,” “adios” and “que pasa,” and you’ve been flagged for your lack of understanding of the English language. You must understand we can’t offer any insurance to an undocumented pet. We’ve alerted the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services, and they’ll be contacting you shortly to arrange a meeting. We suggest you start learning English immediately or there is a strong possibility you’ll be released from your cage, at a predetermined stop along the border, and asked to fly.