Jeff Sessions Turns Over Private Cocktail Menu to Special Counsel Amid Russia Investigation

Jeff Sessions Drinking

In an effort to cooperate and show complete transparency in the Russia investigation, Jeff Sessions appropriately turned over his private cocktail menu to the Senate Intelligence Committee today. Sessions considers himself an amateur mixologist, and often bases his cocktails on real events in his life. The contents of the menu will serve as official evidence in the case.

The SoCo Dossier

A tangy refreshment that’s almost too good to be true. An awakening blend of amaretto, Smirnoff vodka, Southern Comfort, and freshly squeezed orange juice. Chilled and garnished with a maraschino cherry. Enjoy when disregarding any information that could sully your good name.

The Mayflower Gimlet

A gimlet with a twist, for a night you don’t want to recall. A duet of Absolut vodka and lime juice. Shaken hard and served over ice, topped with a wedge of fresh lime. Pair this with direct questioning and the holes in your memory will become even more gaping. 

The Strawberry Memorandum

A luscious berry treat for a fresh start. A detoxifying blend of Yamskaya vodka, fresh-squeezed lemonade, and strawberries muddled with brown sugar. Served over ice and garnished with basil. It’s sure to cleanse your palate and your staff of any toxic entities.

The Spiced Recusal

A citrusy libation with a touch of fire, to get you out of any sticky situation. A harmonious mixture of Stolichnaya vodka and grapefruit juice, with dash of fresh ground pepper. Shaken and served over ice. It’s the fire under your butt needed to clear your name, before anyone notices your wrongdoings.

The Stonewall Mule

A modern take on the classic Moscow Mule. A generous helping of Russian Standard vodka accompanied by lime juice and a splash of ginger beer. Served over ice and garnished with a sprig of mint. An appropriate amount of liquid courage to deflect unwanted inquiries and protect your selective honesty. 

The Piña Collusion

An exotically juicy drink too decadent to enjoy alone. A secret blend of fruit-infused Putinka vodka mixed with delicious coconut cream. Blended to frosty perfection and topped with a hacked piece of fresh pineapple. It complements conspiring with Russia and undermining the democracy of the United States quite well. 

 

 




Elizabeth Scafuto

Author: Elizabeth Scafuto

Elizabeth Scafuto is an artist and improvisor from Brooklyn, New York. Her Patronus is Special Agent Dale Cooper. Follow Elizabeth on Twitter @elizafuto!

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