WASHINGTON – If there’s two things the government has taught the children of America over the years, it is that one should definitely plan for the future if they want to be able to live decently, and the environment can be abused with no negative repercussions whatsoever.
Now Mike Pence, our nation’s vice president, has brilliantly decided to combine both lessons into one fun experience when global warming-er, God decides to flood the Earth again with Mike’s Ark: Refuge From God’s Unpreventable Wonders. This catastrophically entertaining cruise of indeterminate length will refresh you with the sweet smells of fuel exhaust and the swell sights of barren, developed land. Activities on the boat that are guaranteed to be fun for the whole family include bonfires generated from copies of Silent Spring and WALL-E and performances of Covfefe: The Musical, a dramatic retelling of Donald Trump’s Twitter history funded with the money formerly used on the National Endowment for the Arts.
Reservations for the cruise are available now on a first-come, first-served basis, so be sure to sign up quick! However, you need only apply if you’re white, heterosexual, and Christian, and preferably a man, but women can join if they’re willing to burn a Planned Parenthood pamphlet and use its charred remains as a ticket. And if the price is too expensive? Can’t be, poverty is only a state of mind! Get a job, you lazy 99th percenter!